Margie said at Christmas that I have an inner strength. I laughed and said, "The thanks for that goes straight to my mom." She probably thinks I'm selling myself short, but it's true. My mom was tough on my sensitive little soul, and I'm not sure how much breaking versus how much strengthening she gave me, but I do think there was some strengthening involved. I know when life breaks me, as it did my mom, after I sit in the middle of the brokenness for a while, I usually get angry. Angry and determined not to let life beat me down. It's not the best survival technique. But it's a survival technique. And it is the very picture of my mother. Only she never sits in the brokenness like I do. She pretty much skips straight to angry and determined.
I'm thinking about this today because of this babysitting gig. Today will be day 2. I spent an hour awake, worrying about it this morning after Micah's 6 AM feeding. And I've been dreading it all morning. I finally broke down just a few minutes ago and cried and just held Micah for a few minutes.
I hope for all the world that today goes better. But if it doesn't, I am more or less prepared to soldier through it like I did yesterday. I'm bringing some extra tools today: a baby swing and a noise machine. Also earplugs, but I don't think I'll tell Melissa that.
I have this terrible, foreboding image of Melissa coming home today to all three of us a mess of tears. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, at least she will have all the evidence she needs as to why I decline to continue this gig.
In the words I shared with Margie today in a private message: "It served as a blinding reminder as to how hard newborns are. Also a blinding affirmation of how wonderful Micah is at 6 months." It's true. I think I have 10x more love for Micah than I did at the beginning of babysitting yesterday. It was very hard to not be able to hold him yesterday because I was too busy holding Eleanor. And I spent a LOT more time holding him, or just having quality time with him after Eleanor finally went to sleep. Bottom line, if nothing else, this has greatly improved my relationship with my son.
Wish me luck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
It went a lot better today than yesterday. Thanks be to God. The noise machine worked, the swing didn't work as well. Its batteries are pretty low and the calibration is off so it tilts funny. I wonder if there's a way to fix that. But all in all, today was a pretty good day. I told Melissa we could try another week, but I might still back out, because it IS a trick to balance two babies, particularly when it comes to naptime. Oy! Anyway, I am not going to think about it anymore today. Oh, but I do, once again, love my son 100x more. :) Gosh, he's wonderful.
-Stephanie
previous || next
Miss Something?
Bucket List - 2019 - July 28, 2019
Stephen's Out of Town - April 24, 2019
A Little Bit "Extra" - April 01, 2019
Mara <3 - April 01, 2019
God's Justice and My Mom - March 24, 2019