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�who am I: I'm a small town girl, living in the big city, learning to trust God. I married a wonderful, patient man, Stephen, in October of 2008 and we had our first child, Micah, in June 2014. I've been keeping this diary since I was 16 years old, so it has seen a lot of life with me!

�likes: singing my soul out, writing my heart out, learning new things, falling in love, helping people, thinking about life, talking things through, dancing

�dislikes: not knowing where I'm going, fighting, losing touch with friends, making mistakes

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�old reads:
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Dreams and Goals - 2004
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Mindy and Depression
5:42 p.m. || September 21, 2015

In other news, remember my friend Mindy from college? She's the energetic, sometimes forgetful one who gives the best hugs ever.

She's been struggling with clinical depression for a long time. She actually quit NNU for a while because of it. Just couldn't handle the stress of everything.

She has since become a CNA and works long shifts at a hospital. Can't remember which department. She's also married to a guy named Cameron, who was some kind of art major. I'm not sure what he's doing now.

We tried to keep in touch over the phone, but I suck at phone friendships, and also I found myself drifting away from Mindy as she toyed with some liberal thought and philosophy. She's still a Christian, but I think maybe a "sick" one, like I was at the end of college. I should pray for her more than I do.

Anyway, she Facebook messaged me last week to ask if I was willing to be on her "safety net" list of people to call when she is really struggling with her depression. I was startled and wary. Not because I'm afraid of getting my hands dirty with depression (although that would've described me in college), but because, knowing how I played quasi-counselor unsuccessfully to my ex-boyfriend in high school and how I counsel myself, I was not at all sure if I were the right person for the job. So I prodded Mindy a little more to see what exactly does that mean, and figured out it pretty much just means someone to listen to her when she's having a hard time. I confessed to her that I was too harsh to my boyfriend and am too harsh on myself and I was afraid I might be harsh with her, but in the end, after talking it out some, I felt as though it might be doable, by the grace of God, and determined in my mind to pray before every call with Mindy so that I could be the listener she needed. So I agreed.

So today she texted me while I was meeting with Jennie H from church. She asked for prayer and said she was really struggling today. I was sad to hear that she was really struggling and torn because I couldn't talk to her in that instant. When a break in the conversation with Jennie H came, I gently told her about Mindy and we decided to pray for her right then and there, after I texted Mindy back to tell her so.

At 2:00 or so, Stephen took Micah off to grocery shop so I could call Mindy. I'm glad I did. She was still a wreck and she was just sitting outside, because she couldn't handle being in her house, and she had called Cameron and he had checked out early from work so he could come to her, but he couldn't get there until 3:00.

So I listened and talked with Mindy for about an hour or hour and a half until Cameron got home.

I have to say... It was really sweet and encouraging to hear Mindy's voice get so hopeful when Cameron got home. I've wondered how healthy their marriage is from time to time, because Cameron isn't the "heroic rescuer sweeping in to save the day" type that Stephen is. :) But from the sound in her voice when he got home, it looks like he has really learned to love her deeply and be there for her in the ways she needs. That makes me really glad.

It was interesting, and difficult, to listen to Mindy unload to me. So much of what she described sounded just precisely like times I have experienced when faced with depression. I swear I have said exactly the same things to Stephen that she said to me. What was interesting that knowing exactly how she felt didn't make it easier to "say" the right things to her, but harder. When a person's like that, all you can really do is listen to them talk themselves out. That's really all. They do that and they do move into a better place. I actually heard Mindy's voice and mentality change within 5-10 minutes of listening to her. She was able to divert her attention off herself just by the course of conversation--in her case today, to randomness about work.

I believe--and this is partly why I'm not the best candidate to work with depressed people--that depression is based on too much thinking about yourself. I wondered if talking to Mindy today would confirm that for me or make me rethink it. But I feel more confirmed in it.

I didn't say this to Mindy, of course. That's not what she needed to hear at that precise moment. Plus we're barely building this trust thing back up between us after many years.

I believe the solution to depression is fixing your eyes on Christ and Him crucified, but when people have an untrue idea of what the Cross means, it can do more harm than good to try and point them that direction. Only God can really open Mindy's eyes to the true meaning of the Cross. Only God could do that for me, and He used our church and my husband and his theology, but it took time. Lots of time. And there were lots of valleys to go through before I got there.

So for now I'm just going to keep listening--not just to Mindy, but to the prodding of the Holy Spirit to open my mouth at the right time with the right words. I can't rush that or try to do His work for Him. And pray. I definitely need to pray more.

So, I've got to go for now. I'm hoping this week goes better for me than last week did. I'm pretty exhausted. (Nothing to do with Mindy. It's just been a doozy of a week.)

-Stephanie

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Miss Something?

Bucket List - 2019 - July 28, 2019

Stephen's Out of Town - April 24, 2019

A Little Bit "Extra" - April 01, 2019

Mara <3 - April 01, 2019

God's Justice and My Mom - March 24, 2019