Dear Diary,

We're studying the Sermon on the Mount in my Bible study at church right now.

I knew going into it that it would be hard, but here, in week 1 of the homework, I'm already struggling. :(

Mercy, forgiveness, and compassion are not my strong suits.

And the Sermon on the Mount has LOTS to say about all three.

Right now we're still in the Beatitudes. We just hit the one that says, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."

Here's where it's sticking me right now. In all Christian circles, it's usually talked about in relationship to God's actions toward us. In Reformed circles, emphasis is placed on it being something legal. In non-Reformed circles, emphasis is placed on the aspect of compassion--"a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering," according to Dictionary.com.

Since I came from non-Reformed circles to Reformed ones, that compassion aspect doesn't sit well with me anymore. I don't like thinking of myself as some poor, powerless creature stricken by misfortune and suffering that God just had to have pity on to console himself (that sounds sacrilegious just writing it!). Talking about humans and God's mercy in terms of "misfortune" and "suffering" makes it easy to completely erase the idea of our own sin being in the picture at all.

On the flip side, focusing on the legal aspect seems to erase or at least diminish the compassionate/loving side altogether, and that's not helpful either. But I can't seem to make the two fit together in harmony in my head. At times like this, I start to wonder if something is REALLY wrong with me. It doesn't seem like this should be that hard of a concept to grasp, since it's so integral to Christianity and has been part of our tradition for 2000 years.

So...Frustrating. I had to journal it out because there wasn't enough space in my workbook. :P I hope I can find some answers fairly easily at Bible study without totally hijacking the conversation to make it about me and how something's really wrong with me because I can't grasp the concept of mercy. Ugh. I'm so tired of that old conversation. I never seem to stop having it.

Anyway, off to finish my study.

-Stephanie

Edited to add:

So I only got through the first 2 questions of the study before I had to sit down and journal it out. Now I read the next one—and I feel like I can give an authentic “I don’t know” answer to that one—but the one after that made me laugh. It says, “Who do you have trouble showing mercy to?”

Uh, everyone.

The next question is, “How can you adjust your perspective so that it is easier to show them mercy?”

I didn’t know mercy was supposed to be an easy thing to give? I thought you were supposed to show it even when you don’t want to? “Being a Christian is simple, not easy?” Have to think on that one.

But they mentioned adjusting your perspective, which is sticking with me. At first I thought, in light of the dictionary definition of compassion, that it meant adjusting your perspective on the PERSON. But I suppose, coming from a Reformed perspective, they mean adjusting your perspective on YOURSELF. The whole “Because you have been shown mercy” bit. Which is really the heart of my problem with showing mercy from a Reformed perspective thing.

In a works-based church, you’re going to find a lot more people who would understand your struggle with showing mercy if you’re a pretty “good person.” In a Reformed church, it looks like a great big gaping void if I look for people who can unpack the phrase “because of the mercy you have been shown” for me when you’re a pretty “good person."

My real question is: Does it involve being a hot mess of tears for days? Because I don't know if I can do that and be a mom at the same time.

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