Stream of Consciousness

I know all the right phrases!!! Why doesn't any of it resonate in my heart?!?!?!?!

Mercy. Compassion. Forgiveness.

Mercy. Compassion. Forgiveness.

Mercy. Compassion. Forgiveness.

"Because of his great mercy..."
"Because of everything you've been forgiven..."
"Because Jesus showed mercy to you..."

What mercy?
What are you talking about?
I don't remember any act of mercy.
Why do I have such a faulty memory?
Why is pride such an issue?
If anything, I feel like I've been shown less mercy than others!
I'm a good girl. I don't deserve this.
I never did anything wrong.
Or at least not that bad.
I'm better than most people.

Works-righteousness much?
Why is this so hard?

When did I get saved?

When I was 17 years old...
I haven't had a 17-year-old moment since college.
It's all up here (intellectual), not down here (emotional).
Why don't the two align?

How do you fix that?

Or do you have anything to do with fixing it?

Does focusing on "fixing myself" just contribute to the pride?

Do you just have to sit and wait and let God fix you so you actually get fixed instead of just delving deeper and deeper into issues of pride tangled with bettering yourself and humanism?

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