God's been opening my eyes up lately to things again. I always love these parts of my walk with Christ, when things become clearer and my heart becomes softer. Today was a great example of how God is teaching me about being honest and having integrity and maintaining others' dignity. And also about getting love and support from other Christians even in the worst of times.

There's a woman at church who I've just had a lot of respect for ever since I met her about 6 years ago. Her name is Carla--husband Dave. We met them when we were doing the Gospel in Life study with the church, on Sunday nights in the "multi-purpose room" with the big screen. She's the perfect example of someone who I have all the right things in common with and all the right things not in common with. If that makes sense. She's outgoing and funny and full of life, so she draws me out of my shell. But she's really sweet and understanding and easygoing and just loves people. Really loves them.

She's my current small group Bible study leader at the women's Bible study and she has been a Beachbody coach before and still drinks the Shakeology, I think. She also still does the workouts. She just doesn't do the containers anymore.

The 21-Day-Fix is a training thing. Training you to eat what's better for you, not just carbs all the time (like, ahem, yours truly). And also training you to have better portion control. I have been letting my portions stay big even when I stopped breastfeeding Micah, and now I'm 15 lbs heavier than I want to be. My "ideal weight" as calculated by online calculators and fitness classes is 136.5, and that number has been stuck in my head since I learned about it... Probably my first year of college when I had to take a "wellness" class (required). But I'm not chained to that number. I know "ideal weights" are really a range depending on a lot of variables. My range that I think is healthy for me is 136-142 lbs. My weight has been sitting at 140 for a long time, but it had started to go up right before getting pregnant with Micah--it was 147--and then it dropped in my 1st trimester to 134 (YIKES!) and dropped again while breastfeeding to 136, but then, of course, when I stopped breastfeeding, it went up and kept going up so I knew I had to do something.

Wow, what a lot of back story!

So we started the 21-Day Fix yesterday. And it's honestly been really stressing me out, because you know me. I want to do everything EXACTLY RIGHT the VERY FIRST TIME. So that the 2nd time around I can make adjustments as necessary.

But when your hunger is making you grumpy and snap at your husband for no reason and have way less energy than you should... Something is wrong.

And that's the place I was in when I saw Carla and Dave walking out of the service today... And I tackled her with a back hug and a weak, "Carla...Carla...I'm dying... I can't do this!"

Yep.

I did that.

Yep. I am super embarrassed. That was so...not me!!

BUT. I'm not as embarrassed as I would be, because Carla? Didn't even bat an eye!! She knew exactly what I meant and went straight from "Someone is hugging me" right into, "Oh, I want to understand what you're saying and help you!"

Did I mention that Carla is, in a word, wonderful?? :D :D

That is so just what I needed. And she talked with me at length about it and basically said I can give myself some grace if things are really just not working. She told me to snack on proteins, not carbs, but more to the point, she told me to snack on NUTS. Which are limited, stringently (like everything else), in the diet. So she gave me the freedom to eat more than my "allotted" amounts because, HEY, my body needs them!! It's trying to send me a message.

She kept emphasizing that this is a "marathon, not a sprint," which is to say that it's more to change the way you view food and to help you reach for the better snacks.

And one thing I do appreciate about this diet is that it loads you up on protein.

The thing I just gotta get over is that.... Eating all the protein? Involves: PREPARATION. Work. Labor. And I tell you what, in the middle of the day when it's still 7 hours until Stephen gets home and I'm hungry again, the last thing on earth I want to do is take the time to cook chicken under my nose while I am starving.

But I have to do it.

And I have to not let myself get to the "starving" stage, obviously. But that's what I gotta work on and think about, is how do I not get there? That's what's hammering in my brain. What do I eat to keep myself from feeling that sick-hungry feeling while I am preparing meals? :/

It isn't going to help matters at all when we actually do get pregnant again and I'm in first trimester sick-starving stage. So I need to get this figured out now.

MUFFINS!! Quinoa sundried tomato feta spinach muffins!!

Or ham and egg muffins. Or whatever! DUDE!

I totally forgot about all those Pinterest recipes for breakfast muffins! Dude. I can do that. And quiches! Quiches freeze. Hmm.

Yay breakthrough. :D

So I still haven't even gotten to the original feeling I had when I started this blog, which is a really peace-filled feeling about how I handled a particular part of today.

I have a coach already. Her name is Shanna, and she's the wife of a friend of Stephen's (Ryan). I really like her as a person, but she's not very helpful as a coach. And there's a reason for that.

She has schizophrenia. And she is on medication for it and probably always will be. And I don't know if it's the disorder or the medications, but she has trouble understanding normal interactions sometimes. If you met her and you didn't know, you would just think she was ditzy. Sweet, but ditzy. But I don't like that image that word paints of her, because she's not just an airhead, bimbo blonde. There is something that legitimately affects her and if I were her and I knew something was "off" about me, I would want people to know why.

However, mental disorders are a sensitive topic and I don't like to go spreading around things about mental disorders people have like gossip.

So when I was talking to Carla today about Shanna and how she hasn't been the most helpful, I wasn't honest about why. I said she was "off," "not there," "doesn't understand my questions," etc. But after I said those things, that just felt so wrong.

We just sang in church today about holding each other's dignity up high because we love each other, and that felt like a total below-the-belt shot to Shanna.

I didn't explain it to Carla there, because of all the people around and my not liking to spread things, but later when she messaged me a link to a Beachbody coach's blog with recipes, I explained it to her in a response. I said I wasn't being fair to Shanna.

And I think that was really the best thing I could possibly have done. It was very peaceful to admit the truth.

I wish my family was better at being honest and admitting things. I wish they were better at admitting that they are broken. I wish they would stop hiding behind EVERYTHING they can and just come out and say it. Yes. I'm broken. I needed fixing. God is fixing me. It is not a completed project and won't be for my entire life, but it will be completed after this life.

That sort of thing.

Anyway. I wish Shanna was more open about it, too. Maybe she is to some people. But it must be hard.

Part of why this is so in the forefront of my mind today is because of an NCIS twofer we watched yesterday. It was about a guy who came back from war with pretty bad PTSD. In the two episodes, he and the people around him were increasingly able to admit that he wasn't right and deal with it in a healthy way. It was a very emotional two episodes but I just loved it. I suppose it also hit very close to home. I don't have PTSD in my family, exactly, but I have plenty of broken people who struggle to face up to it.

So anyway. I learned a bit more about being honest today and finding peace because of that. Now if only my family could learn the same!

-Stephanie

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