A friend of mine posted about her child-free choice on Facebook today and her reasons why. And I can't stop thinking of all the ways I could respond to her reasons why. So I decided to write a journal entry about it and sort out my thoughts.

Her first 3 objections were really sad, though. They were all "What if" questions. And I'm like, "How are you even entertaining these as relationship-ending possibilities?" Because her what-if questions were all tied to not being "lovable" after children. She's worried about not losing the weight, about being cranky and hard to live with, and about not enjoying sex.

I had to respond to those, because those can be legitimate heart issues. So I said, "Do you mean you don't think you'll be able to find a guy who would love you in spite of those things? Because I've been through all of those things for a short time, and Stephen loves me the same, if not more." I wanted to say more but I couldn't really think how to phrase it. Somebody said it better after me.

Gina's response was rather...flippant, I suppose. But I think that's because these objections weren't her real objections. She said, "Based on my ability to pick 'em so far, I don't hold out much hope." Same sort of thing I would expect from Sam. But then she added, "Plus, I know how irritable I can be and wouldn't even blame someone for despising me a little because of it."

That I went ahead and responded to. Told her a bit of my story with Stephen. The painful part--the part where I tried to rip apart our relationship before it became permanent just so he would have a chance to "get out while he could." And I wouldn't have to be roped into a marriage with someone I couldn't live with.

God sure proved me wrong there. Stephen...has been so much more to me than I deserve. And I know it is been all God behind the scenes.

I told Gina that, too. How God worked all kinds of redemption and love into my marriage, and into my own heart. I told her sanctification is a stunningly beautiful, humbling thing. Because it is.

Anyway. Last bit.

Another commenter brought up the rough child birth bit, and said the usual, "It's all worth it in the end!"

Can I get an eyeroll?

It's not that that isn't true, it's just that it isn't as easy as it sounds when people say it like that.

So I bounced off of her comment and elaborated on a few things, working in what I really wanted to say at the end.

"Some women say [childbirth] is just 'intense.' Uh... That's great for you... I would use some, um, different words. 'Excruciating' comes to mind."

Points for honesty with Gina. Without it looking deliberate or forced.

Then I continued...

"I'm more scared this time of childbirth than I was the first time, because now I know what I'm getting myself into." (True story!! I'm definitely scared.) "And yet, here I am doing it again. On purpose, no less!!" (Can I get that in all caps??? ON PURPOSE! I'm a world-class idiot. But you can't be TOO self-deprecating when you're trying to send a message to someone, or else again it sounds forced.) So I just said, "Silly me. :)" And then the real heart of the matter.

"Love makes you do crazy things. Like suffer unimaginable pain. A bit like, you know... Christ being crucified to save a people that wanted nothing to do with Him.... :) I think childbirth can be viewed in a similar way, only you're not 'saving' anyone. However, it is still a (painful) act of self-sacrificing love."

And I think that is true. I think it's possible that Gina, among others, would be outraged at me for comparing something human to something God did. But the fact of the matter is, everything on earth is a reflection of Christ in one way or another. And if I sit back and ask myself why on EARTH I would put myself through such hell again... I can only think of one response. Well, two, that are connected. Love, and God's promises.

God promises that children are a blessing. And I trust God's promises.

But I also already love this child that we are going to have. I loved it before we got pregnant.

I love Micah in a way I didn't think I could love him. (Especially in those first two weeks when I was having trouble "bonding." And in those first few months when it was all sacrifice and no returns.)

But I have never not wanted to protect him as fiercely as any mama wants to protect their kids. And that is love. It breaks my heart to hurt him.

And yet this week, as I have learned, even hurting your child has to be part of love sometimes.

Micah has had a terrible bout with diarrhea this week. And a terrible diaper rash has accompanied it. It's flaming red when it's at is worst and there are bumps an it is ALL OVER his little bottom. Wherever the poop touches it. This kid is in legitimate pain. He walks around funny, holding his bottom, and he won't tell me when he knows he needs a diaper change and cries when I figure it out, because all he knows is that cleaning him up HURTS HURTS HURTS!!

I don't know if he knows that I find it as excruciating (there's that word again) to my heart as he does to his physical body (and emotions! I mean this is traumatizing stuff for a 2.5-year-old). And Stephen feels the pain as much as I do. He got to experience Micah screaming in pain last night when he helped me change him for bed. Oh, Diary. It was terrible. But the acidic poop has got to go or else the rash will never, never heal, and he will just continue to be in pain for ever! And only Mommy and Daddy understand that.

So sometimes you have to cause pain in order to prevent pain. That's something I honestly haven't learned until now. It's going to sit in my mind for a while, I can tell, until it blossoms out into some epic journal entry about Christ, but this is all I have for now. And all I want to hold onto right now, because some things you turn over tenderly in your head before you bring them into the blinding light of day (or the blinding light of other people's comments).

So anyway, my son is sleeping like a rock. It's been over 2 hours and I think I might need to go wake him so he will go to bed on time tonight. He's one exhausted little guy this week. Lots going on. (Today we had a little packing party with friends.)

And I am starving. So here I go. Thanks for listening.

-Stephanie

#childbirth #pregnancy #diaperrashes #emptystomachfullheart #deepthoughts

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