Dear Diary,

Today was my first time at the Women’s Bible Study at our new church. It was a wonderful experience. The word "refreshing" comes to mind. And also purifying.

Three weeks ago, a woman at our church lost her husband very tragically. They are Hispanic immigrants and have a daughter who looks to be 18 months old or so. Yovanni is in our Bible study. I was seated next to her today. Our study was on Psalm 2, a psalm (like so many of them) about God’s sovereignty over mankind. Halfway through our discussion on God’s sovereignty, Yovanni asked the question that is weighing so heavily on her heart: "If God is sovereign, why?" And began to cry.

Every heart in that room broke for her. Many of us cried with her. Two women who have also lost people dear to them (one a husband, one a brother) offered her beautiful wisdom and encouragement. It was simply one of the most beautiful and God-glorifying things I have ever been witness to.

In other studies I have been a part of (at our previous church), when that question of "Why pain?" comes up, it has generally been a discussion in the realm of theory, and I have usually been the one doling out what could pass as "wisdom." Wisdom not from experience but from simple Bible knowledge, which has its own place. And it has generally been received with respect and moments of eyes being opened, which is great. But I have also never been speaking to someone who is directly experiencing deep grief. Today before Yovanni’s question I was, along with other women at the table, speaking in the same fashion about God’s sovereignty over evil. And then Yovanni asked her question to us all, and I suddenly found myself in the surprising place of needing to be the one who shuts up right now, and lets others with more personal experience minister.

Normally, I am thinking to Stephen in my head, and saying as graciously as I can to him, “You need to just shut up right now and let other people minister to this hurting person.” Today I was the person who needed to shut up.

An intellectual understanding of pain and God’s sovereignty is a wonderful tool to have in your belt when you are not dealing with grief on a personal level. And I think it is something every person can benefit from thinking through. But it is not the same thing as administering healing salve, seasoned with grace, in an immediate context, to the wounds of those who are deeply hurting.

So I am so grateful for Yovanni’s presence in our church. I needed the reminder. I needed the personal encounter with grief. I need to come back into touch with reality, with people, with their emotions. I need more of it and I am praising God because I will get that chance here at this church.

I just left that Bible study overwhelmed with gratitude to God for placing me here in this church, not because of all the good I can do for it, but because of all the good it can do for me. I have needed this kind of spiritual food for a long, long time.

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