Well, this isn't getting any easier. I've spent the last 2 days crying a lot because I don't know how I am going to get through childbirth without being traumatized again. Part of me knows that logically I probably will get through it much better this time, but there's a part of me that just can't get past the memory of the first time around and the fear of going through the same thing this time around...And the pressure from certain people that I am Facebook friends with to have a "crunchy" birth (doula, hypnobirthing, home or water birth, unmedicated, etc. etc.) I am this close to just excluding certain people from any future Facebook statuses pertaining to labor and delivery.

But yeah. I've been a mess the last 36 hours. However, the crying has helped me come to the end of myself and really come to terms with my fears. Oddly, acknowledging that I literally have NO idea how I am going to get through this brings me more peace. But it still makes me cry, because I feel so helpless. :/ 2 Corinthians 12:9 comes to mind. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I guess that is where I am supposed to be anyway.

From a message to a friend: "Getting pregnant again was a big leap of faith for me, as well as a challenge to myself to not let hard things keep me from doing further hard things."

In other news, we ordered Micah's BIG boy bed today. :-O I can't believe how much money we have spent this year on prepping for baby #2. Easily a couple thousand. And in huge chunks. I mean, we're affording it... Especially with Stephen's new job. But man. It is just terrifying to slide our card knowing $600 is going to just disappear from our checking account!

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