Benji is being more awake this week but it's still a struggle to feed him at night. He sleep-eats for about 10 minutes on one side and then he's just out. He has started cluster feeding during his awake times in the day to make up for his lack of eating at night. I can't complain about daytime cluster feeding! :)

We have an appointment Wednesday, so I will finally be able to see if he has gained his birth weight back yet. His cheeks are a bit chubbier and his tummy looked bigger today, so that makes me happy.

He just sleeps like a rock when he sleeps, unless he has gas, which happens sometimes. Today he was sleeping solidly through Micah shrieking through the house as Daddy chased him. Can't even believe how different he is than Micah.

It's funny, when he was inside me, he slept forever too. His schedule was totally 3-4 hour stretches, then awake time for 20 minutes, then sleeping again.

And Micah was pretty active when he was in me. I just love how babies are their own little persons even before they are born.

This week has been hard on me emotionally because of a difficult thread on BabyCenter. I had posted, before labor, about all the fear and anxiety and shame I was feeling because my body didn't seem to be preparing for labor. I got a lot a lot a lot of...harsh words and accusations, I guess. I didn't communicate very clearly (who does when you're in that kind of emotional state?) and people got it in their heads that I am part of the self-righteous crunchy mamas club (when it was actually the opposite I was trying to convey). It was really hard.

The good news is, I think I am getting better at boundaries with these types of conversations and the lashings that happen. At one point, I started to write a post defending myself, and then I realized... I don't have to do this. My self-worth is not dependent on what this person thinks of me.

So that was nice.

But it was still rough.

In other difficult things...Nope, still can't write about that. Family therapy. I need it. That's all.

Off to bed with me. Looking forward to some sleep.

-Stephanie

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