I, like, never post in here anymore. That's sad... :(

Today I am grieving over a mess in my extended family. Bullet point version:

• Believing couple married 12ish years
  
• Struggled with infertility for years
  
• Adopted two children from foster care--major issues to work through with them
  
• Husband got PTSD and a "moral injury" from the military
  
• Husband tries to "treat" PTSD with alcohol, becomes an addict
  
• Cheats on wife while drunk, repents while sober
  
• Wife decides she's done with marriage, moves several states over
  
• Husband is in and out of treatment, grieving over his life, his marriage, everything

Now it might seem like I am faulting his wife too much for seeking a divorce. I don't fault her much, honestly. That's a LOT of crap to be put through and you might have to be out of your mind NOT to consider divorce, no joke.

But we know Tim is truly repentant and just torn apart over absolutely everything he has done (and even things he hasn't done). And she has very much hardened her heart against him, and is becoming hardened against anyone in connection with him, including us. Including God, it would seem. She is aggressively justifying and defending herself right and left, even unprovoked. It is utterly heartbreaking.

Tim is back in the Warriors Heart program now. Lord, grant him success this time. Heal this young man, Lord, for your glory.

Their marriage isn't going to come back together as long as she is hard-hearted.

Lord, have you prepared her as a vessel for your wrath? Or will she come back around? Will she even repent?

His sister isn't really helping matters. Also heartbreaking. She has become rather liberal in many ways, but I get the feeling as she gets older, she will reevaluate. I think at the moment the story she is telling herself is that she is going to show her ex-sister-in-law grace because the rest of her family isn't.

Steve's mom is having a hard time with this. Somewhat encouraging to me, because I am having a hard time with this. I think his dad is, too, but I think his hard time mostly stems from feeling like he doesn't know his son anymore. Tim has called him, drunk, several times, and from what I understand, he is literally a different person when he is drunk.

He is also a different person since his PTSD/moral injury from a few years back. He is a broken. Man.

I only met him twice, I think. He was so charming, so likable. Humble, I think. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he is different now. Broken in a way that makes him almost unrecognizable. My brain doesn't comprehend why the Tim of my memory would keep going back to alcohol, which is what destroyed his life in the first place. He is the first person I have known that has become an addict. It's hard to comprehend that people like Tim are who I see panhandling on street corners and sleeping in parks. The "chronically homeless" as my stupid state calls them. Oh wait, they changed it to "unhoused." (All the angry emojis.)

They need medical help, not houses that they will just destroy.

#ihatemystate #ineverwantedtolivehere #whendoweleave

Sorry. Tangent.

One of the most surprising results of the whole ugly mess with Tim is the ever-so-slight shift in his parents' attitude toward me, the wife of their firstborn. Especially his dad, I think. He randomly messaged me, out of the blue, a few months back. Just to tell me how much he appreciated me. And he was quite wordy and emphatic about it. I was quite stunned.

That slight shift has softened my heart toward them in return. So perhaps I might start feeling like more a part of their family soon.

Is it crazy that it's been 10.5 years and I still don't feel quite like I belong there?

(TEN AND A HALF YEARS. HOLY SMOKES! My married years in this diary are longer than my unmarried ones, by a long shot! Wow!)

Umm... I think that was all. It's late. Time for bed. Early start tomorrow.

Micah is 4.5. Benji is almost 2. Micah will be KINDERGARTEN aged next year! (Shocked emojis) I gotta step on the gas with our homeschooling a bit.

Benji is a bit difficult. He's angry. I worry sometimes that he'll follow Tim's steps. (Tim joined the military because he was angry about 9/11. He's still angry at terrorists, pimps, bullies, all manner of evil people. Justice is very important to him.)

'K, good night.

(ENTRY 1500!!!!! Whoa!!)

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