OP on Facebook:

"I hope this doesn't come out completely incoherent, I have a hard time sorting through my thoughts.

Since I was little I have always believed everyone hates me. I am extremely insecure, I think I have a horrible personality, and I end up just kind of turning myself into whoever I'm with because I have no idea how to even be myself. I didn't realize people knew how insecure I am until recently my best friend of 25 years said, “you've always thought people hate you." Then in our home study for foster care, our social worker noted that I struggle with insecurity. I don't even know how she read into that... I promise I don't talk about it to fish for compliments or something. To me, my insecurity and anxiety believing everyone hates me is humiliating and I've never wanted anyone to know. I'm sure now that it's obvious how insecure I am to every body, which makes me even less likable. I think everyone thinks I'm fake. I feel fake. I think I come across as stuck up too. I don't know who I am. I feel like I just reflect the personalities around me. I have this wall that I put up after my parents got divorced to hide my pain when I was little, and it's this ditsy, joking silly person that I still hide behind. I always say stupid things and put my foot in my mouth and people just don't like me. I hold onto past times I've been rejected and it's so heavy and embarrassing.

Since I haven't been forced to socialize for the past two months, my social anxiety has gotten so bad that the thought of the quarantine being over makes me want to puke all the time. I start shaking thinking about it.

Then to top this off, I hate myself for being so selfish. This whole thing is just me me me me me. How can I be so obsessed with thinking about myself!? But now that I have kids I hate feeling like I'm putting my insecure personality on them. Also, I know my brother has very similar struggles to me and it breaks my heart. I want to help him. He's been through so much.

Well... anyway if any of this made sense. If anyone has any words of wisdom, references, anything.. I'd be so grateful.

I know I want to be a bold reflection of Christ. I know I want to find my securityand identity in Him. I know he created me as a unique person. It’s just all disconnected and broken. Sorry this was so long."

My response:

So many feelings and thoughts as I read this. Bottom line: I identify. And the ultimate answer, as you might expect, is focusing your mind solely on Christ and the work he has done for us. But there is no easy, fast way to accomplish that. You can't get there all by yourself. It has to come by work of the Spirit in your heart and mind.

But the good news is: That's God's entire purpose for your life--redeeming your brokenness to show his glory in you. He's done it for me and he can and will do it for you. As you trust Christ more, God will work on these deeply troubled places in your heart. And it will be clear that it is God at work and not you.

So that's on the spiritual level. There are a few practical things that can help your journey. First: Counseling. I think that would help you tremendously. Your insecurity and anxiety are tied together and a counselor will help you talk through things and pin down the sources of anxiety etc. and find ways to cope better.

Second: If you don't have a healthy, loving, stable, Christ-centered relationship in your life yet, pray and humbly seek one out. For 11.5 years, mine has been my husband (God be praised for giving me someone who faithfully loves me through my messes!), and after the healing work done for me there, I have finally gained enough peace and confidence to seek out godly friendships with women at my church. It's slow-going still, but God has given me the blessing of patience in the waiting, which I never had before.

Third: If the anxiety is debilitating and keeping you from functioning, please talk to a doctor. Medicine can help.

This is getting long, so I will just finish by saying: In my experience, the practical steps have only been supports or assists to help me get through some of the walls and baggage that kept me from fully grasping onto Christ. The walls and baggage weren't my fault, but just a consequence of the fallen, broken, sin-tainted world we live in, as Paul in Romans says: "For the creation was subjected to futility—not willingly, but because of him who subjected it—in the hope that the creation itself will also be set free from the bondage to decay into the glorious freedom of God’s children." Romans 8:20-21

"He who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it onto completion until the day of our Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

"No temptation has come upon you except what is common to humanity. But God is faithful; he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation he will also provide a way out so that you may be able to bear it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

"I pleaded with the Lord three times that [the thorn in my flesh] would leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

God loves you. God has redeemed you. God will continue to redeem you. He has completed the work necessary to bring about the good change he has purposed for you. His purposes cannot be thwarted. He is GOOD. He is LOVING. He is SOVEREIGN. He is all these things at the same time, and the more you rest in these truths about God (and all the others), the more peace you will have.

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