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�who am I: I'm a small town girl, living in the big city, learning to trust God. I married a wonderful, patient man, Stephen, in October of 2008 and we had our first child, Micah, in June 2014. I've been keeping this diary since I was 16 years old, so it has seen a lot of life with me!

�likes: singing my soul out, writing my heart out, learning new things, falling in love, helping people, thinking about life, talking things through, dancing

�dislikes: not knowing where I'm going, fighting, losing touch with friends, making mistakes

�current reads:

�old reads:

My Bucket Lists
Dreams and Goals - 2004
Bucket List - 2019

The current mood of Seinahpet210 at

5:17 p.m. || October 20, 2004

My Story

I am the firstborn of two daughters. My parents divorced when I was about two, so I grew up in a single-parent home, living with my mom. We lived in a small, rural town for 18 years, and moved to a bigger metropolitan area on the other side of the state when I was 20. I grew up in church. I was what you'd call a fourth-generation Nazarene: my great-grandparents, grandparents and mom all attended the Nazarene church.

I have a history of legalism. I like rules. I lived by them, heart and soul, in junior high and high schoolall the things my church preached: to summarize it in a popular saying among the Nazarene youth, "I don't smoke, drink or chew or go with guys that do." I should also add that I didn't cuss, dress immodestly (or even fashionably), listen to music that wasn't Christian, watch R movies or shows that I had heard were "unchristian", or dare hang out with people who were not Christians. I went to church camp every summer (till it got too expensive) and "recommitted" my life to Christ every year. I memorized Bible verses, got good grades, participated in nearly all the youth group events and almost none of the school events. I stuck myself in a Christian bubble and gazed from it upon the outside world. I was judgmental, particularly toward my sister. I followed all the written and unwritten rules of my church. And I still struggled immensely with still not feeling perfect enough--not good enough.

So why did I still feel something was not right?

Things started piling up. Minor stresses. Stuff I should have been able to deal with by myself, but for some reason was crushing me. One morning, after another fitful night, I woke up at 5 a.m., grabbed my diary, and wrote: "I give up. I can't handle this anymore. You take it! I'm tired of trying to handle everything by myself! I give up."

It was July 9, 2003.

Life changed.

In that moment of utter frustration, I let God take control, and I found out God didn't want perfection. He didn't want a so-called "perfect Christian." He just wanted me--me. Me, Stephanie, His child, whether or not I was perfect! Whether or not I had grown up in the church following every rule. He just wanted me.

I gave Him me that day--just me. And I felt whole.

I won't go on about what it did for me. This is not about me, really. It's about you. Where in the world are you? Do you know God wants just you? Just you. He doesn't care whether you're a church kid or a druggie or even a convict sitting in prison. He already knows you're His, and He just wants you. Do what I did. Give up. Don't let stuff drag you down as you try to handle life all by yourself. Let God take care of it. Just give up.

Speak to God. Don't repeat to Him my words. Tell Him yours. He already knows who you are and He's fine with you speaking your own language to Him. The only thing you need to remember is just to give up, and let God take care of stuff.

Next, talk to someone who is a Christian. It can be me if you want. Leave me a comment, note or guestbook entry. I'll talk to you and do my best to answer your questions, even if it's just online. Just find someone who is a Christian and will listen to you. And I will be praying for you.

Love in Christ,

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Miss Something?

Bucket List - 2019 - July 28, 2019

Stephen's Out of Town - April 24, 2019

A Little Bit "Extra" - April 01, 2019

Mara <3 - April 01, 2019

God's Justice and My Mom - March 24, 2019