I'm having a mommy fail day. And I'm having a hard time moving past it.

It's my own stupid fault for posting on BabyCenter.com when I was still really freaked out. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Micah choked/gagged (I'm supposed to know the difference, apparently, but my memory has been erased by the terrified feeling) on bananas today, which I tried to feed him for the first time. They weren't overripe, which is probably part of the problem.

I panicked and took him out of the high chair and tried to dislodge it by patting his back, then I panicked some more because I couldn't see his face, so I couldn't tell if it was working or getting worse, so I went to putting my fingers in his mouth trying to get the banana out and made him gag and vomit up a bunch of milk--but he apparently managed to get the banana down the right pipe and stopped coughing and was okay.

Earlier this week--well, last week now, I guess--he found a folded over piece of clear tape on the floor and choked on that. I used my fingers to get that out with no problem at all--found it right away, pulled it out, no problem.

Anyway, I posted to the website in my freaked-out state after it was over, and apparently you aren't supposed to put your fingers in babies' mouths. I didn't know that.

So I'm getting judgment rained on my head for doing that.

They're trying to be nice about it, but I only need to hear it once, okay? Not from 30 different people.

Okay, so it was only 4 different people.

It felt like 30.

It felt like every one of them was saying, "YOU IDIOT WHY DID GOD EVEN GIVE YOU A BABY?!"

Which, of course, is the thought that's been constantly in my subconscious since the day he was born. Maybe even before.

I guess that's what I came here to write. I knew I needed to journal in order to move past this, and it's because it's there again--that notion that God should never have given me a baby.

I needed to write that because it reminds me that the fact remains: He did. So if He made me a mom, I've got to believe He did it on purpose, for a reason.

-Stephanie

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