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Stephanie has always preferred to be thrown into things that she's scared of feet first and not by her own will. Then I have nobody to blame but Providence, and Providence can be trusted. I just, apparently, don't trust Him enough to take leaps of faith myself. :P

Wow, there is so much in that to unpack.

So is this a distrust in Providence, or a distrust in myself?

It's obviously a huge distrust in myself. But somehow trust in God has to fit in there, too.

But I know I have zero trust in myself to make good decisions. Why else would I always, always, always wait for Stephen's cue, or always, always, always shy away from applying for jobs?

Somebody please explain to me the balance between having faith in yourself and having faith in God. "Have faith in yourself" sounds way too much like popular culture's mantra, but waiting entirely on God isn't working out for me, either. Agh!

Rereading my status...Yeah, this is definitely a lack of trust in myself. I don't trust myself to make decisions. Ever. Never have, either, but I think it's been worse in the latter third or so of my life.

Stephen and I had an interesting discussion yesterday. I'm afraid of lighting powder kegs. That's why I never share my opinions--I'm afraid something will blow up in my face. And when we put it that way, I realized why. My sister was a powder keg. She still is to some degree, but when we were in our teens, everything set her off. I'm not exaggerating or kidding here. She was absolutely volatile. Her explosions make you feel as if you lost an arm or a leg in the process--at least, they did for me, but perhaps I was more sensitive than most.

"Sensitive" is not a crutch for me, by the way. Not anymore. It took me years to realize that I just am sensitive naturally and that it's okay, after one particular occasion where my grandpa said, "You're just so sensitive," as if it were a habit he wished I could kick. I think the beginning of the redemption of it was when my old crush's mom said to me, "You have a very tender heart, Stephanie. Never change that." Amazing what difference a change in wording can make. :)

I read about myself in a Psychology Today article. They came up with a name for people like me: Highly Sensitive Persons. (Really original, huh? :P ) They said it's about 20% of the population, so it's not quite classifiable as a disorder (thank goodness!).

But I've gone off on a tangent. Basically, I don't trust myself to make decisions because when I got to the point where I wanted to stop fighting with Sam, I began to take personal responsibility for her explosions. It wasn't her fault that she was exploding; it was mine. So I had to be extra careful what I said around her. I trained myself up in that because I didn't want to make her so angry with me anymore. Then I generalized it to everyone around me that ever got upset with me, including incidents from my past. Now it's costing me much more.

I wish things had been different when we were growing up. But since that can't be changed, I hope the Lord will bring me around to a place of healing where I can trust myself again.

-Stephanie

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