After a very difficult conversation about possibly baby #2... I find myself looking up minimalist living. His big issue is the 3rd bedroom we use for an office (and barely use, at that). He doesn't think Micah and baby 2 can sleep in the same room. It's true, Micah is a delicate sleeper and probably always will be. So free bedroom #3 is the line he's drawing before we can have another one.

...He would like me to specify that 3 free bedrooms is his line before we have another baby IN OUR ARMS. He says he doesn't need 3 bedrooms before we get pregnant. I don't believe him.

Anyway.

So we talked about ways to clean out the office, but I ended up by looking mournfully around our house and deciding dramatically, like I usually do, that EVERYTHING NEEDS TO GO.

So I started looking up minimalistic living with kids. But I knew I wasn't feeling a genuine need to purge. And I was too tired to fib.

So when Stephen asked me, "What are you looking up now?" after a long pause, I said: "Ways to control my husband to get what I want."

Yep.

Then a few minutes later, I announced, truthfully, that I "only want 3 kids so I don't disappoint Will and Savannah."

I'm in an honest mood tonight.

This is a good thing.

I'm super tired... So to wrap this up, I just want to say, we talked it out and I'm not trying to control my husband anymore. And I've talked through my hurts and feelings about having fewer than 3 children. And I'm not completely, utterly depressed anymore. But I am still sad as I try to come to terms with the possibility of having only two children.

Because if I had an idol in place about having 3 children, I have a bigger one in place about having only 2.

It has to do with Jansport backpacks.

-Stephanie

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