This is so totally weird! PCs are way different than Macs.

I've been using PCs for the last 2 months (that's all they have at NNU). I still don't like them, but I got used to them, and now I'm home for the weekend on our Mac, which I love, and I keep trying to close the windows in the upper right-hand corner instead of the upper left-hand corner and click on programs/documents I have open on the bottom of the screen instead of up on the upper right-hand side of the menu bar--or whatever it's called. The one with File, Edit, View, Special, and Help.

All of that's not what I came into write. I came to write about Nate. I don't know if you can guess it from this diary, but our relationship has been the craziest on-again, off-again relationship you'd ever find. We've been "off-again" since the Oregon Coast Trip. Now we're on again. But we can't tell anyone, because my family would disapprove, and, on the whole, everyone I've told would deem me beyond help. :P Seriously... With all the times we've "broken up", I can see anyone I know looking at me now, if they heard, with that expression that says, "I totally give up [trying to understand you]. You are beyond help." (sigh)

The thing is, though... "On-again" isn't always healthy for us. More specifically, for me. I don't think I've mentioned it in here... But I struggle a lot with sexual temptation.

Wow, that's a shock to say out loud (er... sort of)... But I don't know who else to tell. I've tried telling my mom a couple times, so maybe she could help me, but that didn't really help at all. I need someone really strong, really close to me, and preferably older than me (thus wiser) to talk to about this.

Anyway, point: I'm glad I'm away at college most of the time because otherwise Nate and I would be getting in lots of trouble. :S But the thing is I reallyreallyreally would prefer not to be away at college. I'd rather be with him! Regardless what trouble we would get into.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's so exasperating. I'm trying desperately to trust God and follow Him in this, but it is incredibly difficult! And I hate the fact that I'm dragging Nate through this too. This is an odd situation... But as far as sexual temptation goes, I'm the guy and he's the girl. (LOL... Sorry... Not funny, but you ever have those times where you are under so much stress that you have to laugh or else you will go crazy? That's how I feel turning to face this horrible struggle yet again. :( ) I don't know why that is, but throughout this whole relationship--whatever it is--I have consistently been the one pressuring to "go further" and he has been the one afraid to do so, but willing if it's me asking him to. He... Ouch, okay, this definitely hurts to write...Nate, I'm so sorry, if you ever have to read this... He thinks he is in love with me. And he'll do anything for me. Even... Even sleep with me, if I asked it.

Hiding her face in shame,
Letting tears flow down,
Knowing she's to blame
For standing in sinking ground.

Sorry. Writing poetry always helps when I'm hit really hard with some strong emotion. Right then it was guilt. Really strong guilt. The kind that tends to happen when you finally come out and say something that you'd prefer had been kept hidden.

Geez... I can't handle guilt on top of everything else at college! Who on earth could I talk to?

Dear God, I honestly don't know what to do anymore. You know that. God, Father, can You help me? Please help me! I feel like I've stepped into sinking sand and there's no one around to lift me up. Oh God, my Deliverer, can't You please come and save me? I feel like David, God. He knew he had sinned deeply against You. I know I'm heading down that way, if I haven't hit it already. Oh, Father, save me before I am completely drowned! Save me! Love, Your straying child, Stephanie.

Let me see if I can write myself out in poetry.

Oh brother. All I can think of is my poem... The one I'll be using for my devotional on Wednesday. (I had to move it because class got cancelled last Wednesday.) Torn apart, lying still, snatching for my Father's will... Ugh. I know what His will is. He would will I would stay away from Nate, probably. Stay away from the source of temptation. I don't know... I won't put words in God's mouth.

Friends out there, reading this, please pray with me as I struggle through this.

The Lord's Prayer
(A la Cherie Ketchum)

My Father,
Who is in heaven,
Holy is Your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done
On earth
As it is in heaven.
Give me this day
My daily bread,
And forgive
My debts
As I forgive my debtors.
And lead me not into temptation
But deliver me from evil
For Thine is the kingdom
And the power
And the glory
Forever, Forever
Amen.

I'm not sure if she swtiches to "Thine" at kingdom or not. That'd be kind of weird, but it fits better to the tune. (You'd have to hear it.)

I think that will be my prayer this week. (Amen and amen!)

Thank You, Father, for reminding me of that prayer. Help me remember it as I see Nate again tomorrow. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Oh, and Father, one more thing: Thy will be done, NOT mine. Love You, Jesus. In Your name, Amen.

-Stephanie