They need a word for "still waiting..." on imood.com. I am feeling better than brokenhearted, but I'm wishing my prayers would be answered still. Still waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting...

So anyway. What I actually came in here to write kind of applies to that. It's a couple prayers from my prayer journal. Interesting that they should be only a day apart. Tells you something about how emotional I am. :)

Ryan (Elizabeth's boyfriend) is down here for the weekend. Their one-year anniversary is on Tuesday.

First prayer: Yesterday. I like this one because it's SO straightforward and honest with God. No lying, no hiding how I really feel. Prayers like that are such a relief to pray sometimes...

"Dear God,

"It's Ryan and Elizabeth. He's here for their one-year anniversary! Father, how can that be? What are they, in love with each other? Are they going to get married? Why are they still together? What more could You possibly teach her? him? Why have they hung on so long? Why didn't I?

"How come her life's working out so great, God? Even her love life! She's got what I wanted. What's wrong with me? How come my life hasn't worked out so well?

"God, why?

"How come Elizabeth's life has worked out so great? I understand I wasn't very close to You in high school, and she was, but, God, I'm close to you now. Why isn't everything falling into place, like it should? God! Why--?"

Then I looked up some verses that sort of helped. One of them was Psalm 27:14. It says "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." There are a bunch of other similar verses; I love them all. Even though waiting is really hard sometimes.

Anyway, the second prayer, from today. First it's just a collection of thoughts from some previous prayer journal entries. Good stuff.

[on Elizabeth and I] "I think we'll always be friends, but the closeness is slipping away."

"I need to give my future love to You again. Father, I give it. Please take control again."

"Jesus, You still love me. You've been with me every step of the way."

[on Nate] "Do I miss him, the boy who's pulling away from me? No. I miss him, the boy who thought he was in love with me."

"I get hope knowing You still care."

[after listening to Mark Schultz's "You Are A Child of Mine"] "I remembered suddenly that it was true. I am, and always will be, God's dear child, whom He loves very much."

"Nate will not, cannot always be there to see me through life. God can."

And then the prayer (it's okay to laugh :) ):
"Dear God,

"I forgot what I was going to write.

"But I do want to thank You for the truths You've shown me from my prayer journal. Especially the last one. Nate will not and cannot see me through every storm of life, but You can.

"God, as much as I don't want to write this, I'm also starting to see that You won't bring the right guy into my life until I stop worrying about finding him. And so, God, though I can't promise You I will stop worrying (boy, I'd break that promise a hundred times over!), I want to ask You to help me stop worrying about finding my true love.

"And while I'm here, I'm going to pray about switching colleges again. Father, I still need Your answer there. I know it won't come immediately. I just want to acknowledge/tell You that I do believe You will answer eventually.

"Thank You, Jesus.

"Love, Your child.

"P.S. Wow, I'm doing really good at forgetting what I was going to write... I forgot my postscript, too. I must be tired. :) Anyway, Jesus, You know what it was. Love You always."

-Stephanie

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