Dear God,

The most astonishing thought just voiced itself in my mind.

I was considering calling Nate. But something in me didn't like the idea. So I let the minutes go by and finally, just a bit ago, I looked at the clock and thought, 'No, I'm not going to call him on his day of rest. He doesn't need me bothering him.'

On the surface, that looks pretty innocent. Almost "right." But, God, I could suddenly sense the depth of the guilt in my heart that founded that remark. Guilt for still pursuing him.

How can I describe how I felt? The closest thing I can think of to describe it with is just that emphasis on "me." He doesn't need me calling him, arousing all sorts of conflicting feelings as I always do, on his one day of rest after the plays. There was major self-battering in that little statement.

Meanwhile, now that I've identified this, I am experiencing my own conflicting feelings. Should I call him or not? Should I really feel this guilt about bothering him? (Would it be bothering him?)

Father, I need some comfort! Tell me the truth. Are my calls to him a bother now?

We're on different levels... I can see that. It's like...

Or like...

Sigh. We're at completely different stages.

So that's how I feel, God. And I'm at a complete loss over what to do about it. :(

What should I do about it?

Love,
Stephanie

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