Holy cow. Didn't I once say that araquen is just like me? She IS! She took words right out of my mind, somehow, when she wrote her entry on Tuesday:

But as much as I sit here saying I hate them having boyfriends, for some reason I want the same thing. I don't want to want the same thing [right now], but I do. Maybe someday, but I don't want these feelings now.

It's true. It's true for me. (And here I should warn my readers that this is going to be another pathetic "I wish" entry.) I don't even know if I can get all these feelings out, but I guess that's why they allow unlimited space for a diary entry. (Is it unlimited? Or perhaps I've never written a long enough diary entry to find out. :) )

I guess I haven't said anything--told the truth as Sarah said it--because I don't want to be a contradiction. Perhaps it comes from fear of appearing a hypocrite. Unfortunately girls (at least girls like me) are full of contradictions simply because they are so emotional.

So what Sarah said. I really couldn't have said it better myself.

It's Elizabeth, mostly. Elizabeth, my best friend since 7th grade. She and I went through high school together and neither of us had boyfriends till our senior year--me because I was too shy, and her because she was way too mature/levelheaded to run after guys right and left like girls usually do.

Agh... There are so many factors to this... But let me just say it and maybe I can put in the psychological factors later.

I hate that Elizabeth is going to marry her first boyfriend ever.

I hate it because that's what I wanted.

I hate Elizabeth's maturity; I hate it because that's what I want.

I love seeing her happy. I really, really do. That looks really false, unfortunately, in computer print, but it's true.

But I feel let down. I don't know by who... God? No; it doesn't seem like God had much to do with this, really. I guess... I feel let down by myself. That's it. Like I could've made it work between Nate and I... Or I could've kept my head on straight rather than fall for him at all... Or I could've kept my head on straight till I met "The One" and then my life would've worked out like my dreams.

Wow. I think I captured everything in that one phrase: like my dreams.

I really should have stayed away from fairy tales when as a little girl. They put ideas in my head... Ideas of a perfect world, where the princess or maiden's prince is the one and only man she ever fell in love with--and they end up getting married and living happily ever after.

What's worse is those tales stayed in my head when I entered junior high, as I went through high school--and now, after completing my first year of college, after witnessing so many engagements. And my best friend! Her first boyfriend! "Engaged to be engaged", they call themselves. It's unfair!

Hm. Do I make more sense to people now? Or less?

Here, I'll make it easy for you: Allow me to contradict myself.

People need fairy tales. We need happy endings sometimes because the world is so unhappy.

Or do we? Maybe we should do away with fairy tales and replace them with reality stories with unhappy endings, so people don't get their hopes up.

My gut hates that thought... Must be from those fairy tales...

What in the world is with the world? Who can understand it? Why did God create it? Why on earth do we have to be SO CONFUSED?!

-Stephanie