Dear God, I was just wondering if letting my guard down means letting loneliness in. See, I've been realizing (with Julie's help) that I'm so scared of getting close to guys that I've put up an iron guard around my heart. I haven't been too lonely in a long time. I've had crushes, but I haven't felt intense loneliness.

I'm trying to train myself to lower that guard now. Does that mean loneliness will creep in? Because, God, I'm afraid that if loneliness creeps in, I'll put my guard back up. I don't want people around me to know I feel that way.

I'm wondering if Julie can help me through this. She's gone right now, but God, can she help me with it when she gets back? We were last talking about the masks I put on in contrast to how I really feel. I don't put on a "not lonely" mask but I do put on a mask that says, "Everything's fine. Life is fine. I am fine." I'm not really fine, Lord. It's really, really hard to go it alone.

I know, Jesus, that "I'm never alone" because You're here and blah-dee-blah, but I feel lonely still. I think You understand that. You must've felt pretty lonely on that Cross to cry out to God, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" It's comforting to know that even You were lonely despite God's ever-presence. (It's weird to think that You were both God and human. I mean, why would You call out to God if You were God? But I guess that was the human side of You. However the Trinity goes, You were still lonely enough to call out something like that, and that's comforting.)

Is it weird or sadistic that Your time of ultimate despair is a comfort to me? No, I think You understand...

Hey, God? While I'm here, I just wanted to thank You. Why? Because You're still here, and I'm still here, and we're still here, even though theology is so confusing. I guess, no matter what the Trinity means, and however logically impossible it is to reconcile You with the problem of evil in the world, You're still God and I can still talk to You. Thank You for giving me that little bit to hang onto, Jesus.

Love,
Stephanie

Within my heart a garden grows,
Wild with violets and fragrant rose.
Bright daffodils line the narrow path;
My footsteps silent as I pass.
Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest;
I kneel in prayer to seek God's best.
For around my garden a fence stands firm
To guard my heart so I can learn
Who shall enter and who should wait
On the other side of my locked gate.
I clasp the key around my neck
And wonder if the time is yet.
If I unlocked the gate today,
Would you come in or run away?

Found in a Christy Miller book by Robin Jones Gunn

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023