Saved by Grace

Psychoanalysis... Gag Me.
10:44 a.m. || May 05, 2006

My mom really is moving. After she drops me off at college next year.

What are those steps to the grieving process again? And do they always come in order? Because I'm not even sure how I'm dealing with it right now. I think I'm doing all at once.

I see Mom next week. I'm writing her a letter this week... A very emotional letter, but she understands.

On top of this I'm dealing with Nate stuff again. No, he hasn't called. I haven't talked to him in a long time. He didn't even know I was in town for Spring Break and Easter. But I keep hearing these songs that remind me of where we are right now--where he is and where I am. Oddly enough most of the songs are from his point of view (or at least what I think his point of view is). I must be still dealing with a lot of guilt from that. Gosh... Am I ever going to learn to forgive myself?

I guess there's more songs out there about not being able to move on than there are about being able to move on. But I won't be able to move on from this relationship until Nate does, because I feel so guilty about hurting him so much... You have no idea. One of the things he said to me a couple times in the process of breaking up was, "Everyone I've ever loved has left!" So that sucks to have that phrase ringing in my ears whenever I think of him.

That's his problem. I realize that. You don't know how many times I've wanted to yell at him to SHAPE UP and be a man! But there's that other part of me that still feels responsible for his well-being. He was good at manipulating me to feel that way. He's good at doing that to everybody. He's got the "pity me" mentality and air. Tad's the same exact way. Which is why I avoid him at all costs. He's GOOD at manipulating people, with his expressions and his voice and his words, to pity him, to sympathize with him, to try and help him. I need to stay away from those kinds of guys. I don't want to experience another Nate.

I know I'm a little paranoid. At least outside of school I don't interact with people much, so on breaks I get a break from paranoia too.

And what about me? I'm pretty good at manipulating people to pity me. So am I the world's biggest hypocrite for trying to avoid people (specifically guys) like me? Or am I dispicable for drifting only toward people I know I can get to sympathize with me? Do I need to "shape up" and be a woman?

Clash between independence and dependence again.

I'm tired of all this psychoanalyzing.

-Stephanie

Okay, I just heard a REALLY good song on my Wilson Phillips CD ($5.88 at Wal-Mart!). I REALLY REALLY wish this is how things would play out for me and Nate:

You're In Love

Open the door and come in
I'm so glad to see you my friend
Don't know how long it has been
Having those feelings again.

And now I see that you're so happy
And ooh, it just sets me free
And I'd like to see
Us as good of friends
As we used to be

Aah, my love, Aah
You're in love
That's the way
It should be
'Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me
Ooh it's enough
For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I know
That you're in love

Sometimes it's hard to believe
That you're never coming back to me
I've had this dream that you'd always be by my side
Oh I could have died.

But now I see that you're so happy
And ooh, it just sets me free.
And I'd like to see
Us as good of friends
As we used to be

You're in love
That's the way
It should be
'Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me
Ooh it's enough
For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I know
That you're in love

I tried to find you but you were so far away
I was praying that fate would bring you back to me
Someday, someday, someday...
Ooh, you're in love

Ooh it's enough
For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I know
That you're in love

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