Okay, this is good. Long, but good.

Me (S): my sister is the "free-spirited" one. in fact one of my coworkers who graduated with her called her that today :-D
Isaac (I): and you?
S: she's definitely got an independent streak
I: lol
I: you say that like she got highlights or something
S: lol
I: same question still applies
I: and you?????
I: no free spirit?
S: ::tongue-tied::
S: can't think of a good answer to that one
S: I'm sure I'm free-spirited in some ways
S: I just can't think of any :-P
I: don't over analyze it
I: just do it off the cuff
S: I'll try an off-the-cuff answer
S: yes I am
I: THERE WE GO!
S: lol
I: progress!
I: now... how?
S: ha! knew you were going to ask that
S: good thing, too, 'cause I was going to tell you anyway :-D
I: *bows*
I: would you expect anything less? :-P
S: I want to be free. from a lot of things.
S: a lot of fear.
S: is that free-spirited?
I: no, just human
S: lol
S: fine. I don't know if I'm free-spirited or not
S: :)
I: lol! aww, I didn't mean to shut you down....
I: free from what?
I: shyness.
S: yeah
I: taking risks.
I: I'm just shooting in the dark here....
S: insecurity, fear of making mistakes, the whole bunch
S: you're hitting some bullseyes :)
I: ha you and every other human being on this God-given earth
S: it never seems that way... I mean, that other people feel the same
I: my fear is being too apathetic to when I do make mistakes, I don't bother trying to learn from it
S: but no one ever tells anyone anything so how would we know??
I: know what?
I: that they feel the same?
S: yeah
I: you don't.
S: right
I: you just know.... it's like struggling with faith: you feel like you're the only one out there, but at the same time, you know that there is an abundance of people out there going through the same thing
I: I don't know, that's my approach to it, only because if i don't take that approach, I start feeling depressed and such
I: and that's no fun
I: actually, outnumbered rather than depressed
I: depression comes after that realization
I: so you're somewhat of a free spirit...
I: but not really?
S: let me see. I'm free-spirited in the sense that I want to be free from fear, insecurity, etc. Not so much in the sense that I want to separate myself from my family and strike out on my own and be independent and all that stuff.
I: then tell me, what is it that you do see yourself as? more so than a free spirit (as per your sister's version)?
S: wait, say that again?
I: how do you see yourself? What is it that would describe Stephanie as an individual with such a beautiful and witty mind?
I: Better?
S: yeah, some. you're asking me how I describe myself, then, if not as a free-spirited person?
I: there ya go!
S: and you're asking me for a definition in which I include my "beautiful and witty mind" :)
I: just... humor me
S: writer that I am... here's a list of adjectives I use to describe myself: sweet, loyal, caring, shy, insecure, terrified of making mistakes... eh. those are the core things.
I: insecure about what, though? its been brought up like 342 times
S: I know, sorry
I: don't be :-)
S: ever since we first met, in fact, if you remember; but you probably don't :)
S: well, mostly insecure is just a word for "afraid of making mistakes"
S: so I put two of the same descriptions in there :D
I: ah
I: I remember nothing :-D
S: I was overexplaining myself or something, and you laughed and said something like I should never change my insecurity :-P
I: yes!
I: please
I: it keeps a dialogue with faith
I: as does doubt
I: without both, faith would never increase
S: wow
I: He didn't create robots, and doubting is a way to strengthen and allow others to step up for you and reassure you
I: keeps you on your toes, so to speak
I: see, my issue is that I haven't been on my toes for a long time
S: you haven't been doubting?
I: well, I haven't been caring enough to even have the energy to doubt
I: its not complex, although I say to myself that it is, but the long and short of it is that I haven't been accountable for anything for a very long time. That is the fourth player in this faith builder concept I have going here.
S: so lay out the four parts of your faith-building concept to me... I think I missed one
I: doubt is always in dialogue with faith
I: insecurities are a step into fear and fear produces doubt
I: the underlying Concept is Love. Because perfect love casts out all fear, and is the greatest virtue (even above faith and hope)... and Hope, well, that's the answer to insecurities
I: see, it's all in there... I know it, I can spew it out till there's nothing left of it, but the courage it takes to live it is not qickened in me yet
I: and it bothers me
I: see, because the opposite of Love (which is always dynamic) is not Hate (which is retroactive), but apathy, which is static
S: hm. I think people who come up with concepts like that are usually the last ones to have the courage to live them out, like you say. pastors... I'm sure they struggle. I say things like that myself to other people, and I have trouble living them out.
S: I don't know exactly what that says, but that's just my own thoughts
S: the opposite of Love is apathy...hm
I: you couldn't have said anything better....
I: opposite of love is apathy.
I: I mean, really: the one thing that hurts the most isn't if somebody hates you, its that they don't care
S: I think that makes sense. acts of love spur acts of love; acts of hate also spur acts of love, from the ones who oppose the person hating; apathy spurs nothing
I: exactly

VERY VERY interesting! Very, very good conversation. I'll be thinking about this stuff for a while...

-Stephanie

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