"And then, darling, tell me when..."

I'm listening to my new favorite singer, Michael Buble. :)

I am now officially done with my classes. I have less than two weeks till I go back to NNU. :Z EEK!

I talked to Nate last night (via MSN), and we had a good conversation about faith and life. I realized for the first time how different he is from me. We're both equally stubborn (:P) and both struggle with feeling like we need to make up for our failures, but we think in completely different ways. It took me two and a half years to learn this? Good grief.

LOL... That reminds me of just exactly what I was saying last night.

Nate:

when you learn something, is when u were ment to learn it

Me:

do you really believe that?

Nate:

yes i do

Nate:

i, like God, do not believe in coinscedence, and playing with dice

Me:

oh, I see

Me:

in the end you are probably right, but I have to tell you the truth, that's something I really struggle with

Me:

things do seem like coincidences most of the time to me. and on top of that, it bugs me that we don't learn things faster. I feel like we should all learn things at a certain time, not just "when we're meant to"

Me:

like I said, I think you are probably right... but that's something I deal with a lot.

Nate:

i believe that because i looked to my past

Me:

not only for me. for me, I'll think, "Why the heck didn't I learn this sooner?" for others, I'll think, "Why the heck don't they know that already?"

Me:

I guess it's impatience, is what it is

My problem is that I want my life to be absolutely perfect, without ANY mistakes AT ALL. I know that sounds unrealistic. Okay, it most likely is unrealistic. But I still feel like somehow I can make it a reality... Somehow I can make my life perfect, if I just get all the right answers from all the right locations, then I will be happy in life.

I talked to my mom about it. She, of course, told me I am being unrealistic and putting too much of a burden on my shoulders. I believe her. It doesn't change anything yet. I did say I was stubborn. :) People are ridiculously stubborn... They just always think they're right, no matter where you go or who you talk to. There's no escaping it. I think that must've been an aftereffect of the Fall. Or... I don't know, weren't people the same before the Fall as after the Fall? So would they have always thought they were right even if they hadn't taken a bite of that fruit? Blah. Theology.

Mom and I talked about signs, too, when we were conversing about not making mistakes. I don't believe in signs. I never have. I think it's stupid that people, like, look at a bird flying by at a certain moment and say, "Oh my goodness! I'm supposed to be a pilot!" And, along the same lines, I don't believe in looking in the Bible for answers to, say, career paths. The Bible contains guidelines for living and loving people. Not directives on which career to take. But people take a Bible verse and say, "This verse says this! Therefore it means this about my life!" The Bible wasn't written for any specific person. It was written for a group of people. So anyway... I was saying all this (/ranting) to Mom and she was telling me that you don't take one thing and get your answer from there. You corroborate. "It's like a research paper," she said. (And you can all tell how much that appealed to me.) "You have to take information from different places and see what answer surfaces through all the information."

Research is what I hate about research papers.

I took Mom's example and countered, "But there's evidence for all sides! People take only the evidence that supports their thesis and leave out other evidence that doesn't support it. You don't get answers that way; what you're doing is just tailoring the information to fit your needs. There's evidence for all sides." THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. Isn't that just what I've been saying since January? Or at least you can't go about finding them in that way. There have to be answers, or else there would be absolutely no point to living. So I keep looking.

So I'm frustrated. I don't want to be at this point in my life, completely lost, not knowing where the answers are. But since I'm here, there is nothing I can do about it but keep looking for the answers. Especially since God isn't being nice and handing to them to me.

Echos:
What would we learn if all the answers got handed to us?
What counts is the strengthening of faith.
Life would be boring if everything were clear.
Without doubt, there would be no faith.
Faith is not having the answers because you have evidence, but having the answers without evidence.
My faith is like shifting sand, so I'll stand on grace.

-Stephanie

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