Just don't read this. I'm only writing about Kevin again.

I just need to type. Writing comes too slowly. And at least in writing, I can explain myself without being interrupted for clarification on certain points. I hate that... I'm so confused myself, I can't possibly clarify for other people.

Anyway, begin rant...

I'm lost. I don't know what to make of anything anymore. I can't talk to him except on MSN, and that's not even cool. I see him almost every day. We should be able to talk in person!!

I was really stressed when I went into lunch today, because he was there. In fact, he was right in line behind me, which caught me by surprise. I just saw Michelle at the end of the line and stood by her and talked, and the next second I turned, and there he was, towering over me like some seraph (Madeleine L'Engle describes seraphim as tall in her book Many Waters)... Except not, because seeing him there so suddenly filled me with anything but heavenly peace!

My roommate (Amy) said something I keep remembering: "Kevin doesn't know what he wants."

I think that's the deal. But that comes in later.

So he was right behind me in line. We didn't say anything to each other. I just chattered on to Michelle. What else do you do in a situation like that? You fake it. You put on a mask.

I practically ran to the station that had what I wanted for lunch after scanning my card. I was praying to God that Kevin wouldn't choose the same station. He didn't. Instead he went to a table and talked to some people for a while.

I finally got through the line and went to my table. I kept the place where I thought Kevin was sitting in the back of my mind and glanced in that direction when I could. I couldn't see him. Since it was behind me, though, I decided I would just stop worrying about it and have fun with my friends, and it actually worked.

I'm confused as to whether he likes me or not. That's where Amy's line comes in: Kevin is probably confused on that point, too. I wish this would end. But crushes like this are never that easy to end--not for me. Amy says she just tells herself something she doesn't like about that person (i.e., "He smokes"), but I've been trying that and it still hasn't worked. I tell myself, "He's a complete flirt. Do you know how many other girls he's left in the dust?" But it really. Doesn't. Work.

That's the other thing. It's my fault, but you know how sometimes you don't talk to a person often and therefore somehow convince yourself they are the perfect person? Those are the hardest crushes to get out of, and, as of yesterday, that's what this one has turned into.

Actually, the road leading up to this point began back in December when Mindy was telling me some of the sweet things he said about me. Ugh. I loved hearing them. Talk about appealing to my romantic side! But now I wish I hadn't heard them at all. (Not your fault, Mindy-Lou, so don't go blaming yourself. :) )

My roommate (Rebecca) says that I only like him because of the romance of it all.

She's right.

But it's not like that helps or anything. :)

Okay, that made me feel better.

LOL... I told my friends (Michelle and Danielle) today about him, without mentioning the name, because I was soooooo freaked out and just had to talk to somebody or else I'd explode, but I didn't want them to know who it was in such a public place. So I just told them I really liked a guy that I really shouldn't and I needed to stop. Just to demonstrate how differently Michelle and I think, her automatic response was, "What, is he married or something?" LOL. I explained to them both that no, he wasn't married--or gay or way too old for me or anything else like that :)--that he just "wasn't for me."

Gosh, I wish I could convince myself of that as well as I convince other people. :(

I haven't got to the end yet. Just to add to my confusion (grrrrrrr)... When I went up to for seconds, guess who ended up in line behind me.

At least we talked this time. But it was awkward and fake and short--in a word, awful. I got myself out of the situation as quickly and politely as I could.

We used to talk so easily. Before I even knew he liked me. When I found out he liked me, things got difficult.

No, that isn't true. When he ended things with me, it got difficult.

I guess both are true... Him knowing I knew he liked me added to the difficulty of ending it. You understand. (HA!) :D

Okay, so I'm still not quite done. ::sigh:: So after that awkward conversation, Kevin passed by me at my table not once, not twice, but four times. Four times he passed right behind me. (He was about three tables away from me, off to my right as I sat at the table, rather than behind me, as I had thought earlier.)

There are a million ways to weave your way around the Dex tables to get to the food. I personally would dare walk past a person only once in this situation, and the rest of the time, if I had to go that direction, I'd take a different route.

He's a gutsy one, I'll give him that.

But, oh, so confusing.

If anyone actually read this, I appreciate your care. ::sigh:: It'll end eventually. Let's pray nothing comes of it before the drama part is over.

-Stephanie

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