I switched to a young, loud, rambunctious church in order to get away from my straightlaced, reserved, conservative upbringing. I go to a Bible study at the church and find straightlaced, reserved conservatives. Geez. But not like my grandparents... These people are younger, yes, and have newer ideas, but they are still just as conservative. They're still Republicans, too. My goodness. I thought I'd at least find a Democrat somewhere in this church found just south of a K-Mart parking lot! Do Democrats just not go to church or something?

Anyway. I have nothing against straightlaced, reserved, conservative Republicans. I just kind of wanted to get away from them for a while. Get a taste of something different. Maybe churches all over, no matter how young or new, are conservative.

Tonight at the Bible study I nearly left in the first 15 minutes. I came in skeptical mode: Question everything, because it's a new church, because it's a charismatic church, because I'm not sure I'll agree with them and I don't want to be convinced without really looking at it first. And so when Mitch, our kind-of leader (it's more of a discussion group, but Mitch put it together), started going on and on about the love of God and loving others with the love of God, I was this far from walking out of there. I'm so tired of church words. I'm so tired of broad, sweeping terms for abstract, vague concepts. I want to get down to the nitty gritty, down to the details. What on earth does this "love of God" look like? I wanted to ask. I was too new, though, too scared to open my mouth. That and Mitch and this guy who I forget the name of just kept talking back and forth, one following right on the heels of the other, and no one could really get a word in edgewise without being assertive and possibly cutting one of them off. One woman in the circle, Melody (everyone in the circle but me, by the way, was over 30), broke in and started talking about God loving us as a father loves his children, as a parent loves their child. It was pretty amazing... Everybody in that circle, except me, could identify God with that kind of love. The love a parent feels for their own child.

Fiddlesticks, I thought unhappily. I'm not a parent yet. Not only that, but I didn't grow up with a dad. I was starting to feel less skeptical, but more like I couldn't relate. Somehow I found the courage to break in with the question that was resting on the edge of my tongue, though: "How can a person who has never had a father relate to God as a child to a father?"

"I can answer that," one guy immediately said who had kept quiet up till now. I can't remember what he said; I think I was mostly trying to get over the fact that I had spoken. :) But I remember the impression of not being satisfied with his answer.

When he was finished, an older lady named Leona broke in and said, "Another way of looking at it, if you've never had a father, is what is it you long to have? What do you long for in a father? What would your ideal father be like?"

I wanted to be able to answer that, because Leona put such feeling in her words that I wanted to be able to respond to her, but I found that I couldn't. I have never had a father, so I don't know what it is I'm missing that a father could fill. What a predicament! I really wanted the answer to this question, and everywhere I turned I was running into roadblocks...

"I don't know what I'm missing out on, 'cause I've never had a father," I said. "What should I look to to be able to find what I'm missing out on? The media?" I actually meant the movies when I said the media, but media is the only word that came out. (?)

They, of course, said, "You can't look to the media, no," and I patiently waited for their answers for where I should look. One woman said to look at the promises in the Bible and I'll find what I'm looking for. One of the men said he looks to other men to see how he should be a father to his kids. The parenting thing again... :/ I myself was thinking of men who have been so-called father figures in my life, and I knew even that isn't at all the same as a real father. I was losing hope, getting disappointed, when someone--I think it was actually a guy--said, "Or you can look at what you want in a husband."

A husband!

I am not married, but I have an idea of what I'm looking for in a guy in that direction. And suddenly I remembered all these Bible verses about the church being Christ's bride. A husband! Now that I could relate to!

So I jotted it down in my little black notebook from my purse to think about later.

It was kind of amusing to be there asking my questions. I'm totally anonymous to them. They know my name, but they don't know my story--besides now they know that I didn't grow up with a dad. They don't know if I grew up in a Christian home or maybe an abusive home. A part of me really doesn't like that. I like people to understand me, know where I'm coming from. But another part of me likes the anonymity. It's fun to see people's assumptions they make about you from just a one-time meeting. I have a feeling they assume I'm not a Christian and didn't grow up in a Christian home, since I was asking questions.

Wow. Let me say that again. I have a feeling they assume I am not a Christian because I was asking questions.

Yeah, that pretty much sums up one of my greatest frustrations about the Christian world. That unwritten rule: Christians have all the answers.

I hate that rule.

::sigh:: But that's what supposedly draws people to the Christian faith. People like answers. I just think we've taken it to an extreme... But I've harped on that many a time and I don't feel like rehashing.

Anyway. I'll definitely go back to the Bible study, likely with more questions, whenever I can. Domino's didn't schedule me for tonight. And I don't think I'm scheduled for Sunday night either! I'm crossing my fingers really tight. I really want to go back to the swing dancing.

All right, it's time to close for the night. Have a good one, everybody.

-Stephanie

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