I need to get Nate out of my life, I think. Permanently. I don't know if I have the strength to do that, but maybe God does...

Nate's dramatic. Dunno if I've ever mentioned that before. He is dramatic by nature, like my sister. I can be dramatic too, but not like Nate and Sam. I don't do stuff to get a rise out of people.

Yesterday, after the Steven stuff (I'm doing okay with that...I think things'll work out), I talked to Nate.

He told me a lot of junk. Told me to keep it confidential, so I'm not going to say what he said, although I don't think a word of it's true.

I didn't believe him at all at first. That was the purpose of mentioning that he's dramatic by nature. I brushed it all off as lies, lies to get me to be like I was to him, sympathetic and "Aww, poor you, let Mommy Stephanie help you back up on your feet!" and crap.

Later at night I couldn't get to sleep. I started wondering, what if he's telling the truth? I can't get myself to believe that 100%; thinking about it even possibly being true made my head feel like it was about to explode.

You don't just dump crap on a girl like that, especially one you've been involved with in the past.

So I'm thinking about blocking him in every way possible. I'm certainly not going to sign onto MSN for a while. He could be there, and then he'd ask for explanations, reactions, feelings. He's all about feelings, how'd you feel, how'd you react? All just ploys to get me to show some sympathy to him, to get even a shred of a hint that I might possibly still have feelings for him. And then he'll pounce on that and pull all the strings he can. He knows the strings to pull.

How did I get involved with a guy like him? What was I thinking?

Needy, desperate, clingy. That's him.

Three #*&*@$& years later and he's still doing this. I need him out of my life. Permanently.

-Stephanie

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no ones knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured
But You know better

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far from
Who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

We raise the standard, and try to reach You
But we'll never make it, and we don't need to
Thank You

-Nichole Nordeman, "Even Then"

---

I know I'm paranoid, but I just took this quiz and it sent me into a sheer panic. It was written by a girl on Testriffic, and it was called, "Who Would You Most Likely Date - My Boyfriend, My Ex, or My Brother?" I took it thinking it would be kind of funny, especially if I got her boyfriend or her brother. The questions were different than I expected, but I answered them truthfully, without much of a second thought. Well, these are the results I got--and I do apologize for the language. I didn't write it.

Who are you most likely to date? My bf, my ex, or my brother?

My ex-boyfriend, Krishna! Oh s*** honey, you got Krishna! Be careful. He has the most beautiful heart I've ever seen in the hands of a man. He loves like I've never seen anyone love before. But once you get pulled in..you'll never get away, he uses mind manipulation to control you and make you his, to leave his name on your heart. Be careful of your weakness because he will find them no matter what! He has a strong belief in true love and soulmates.

How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

She described MY ex, a more accurate description than I myself could ever have written. Every single sentence. Every single sentence struck a deeper fear into my heart. I had to take the picture out because he even LOOKS like Nate. He has the same intensely, painfully sad eyes.

Yeah, I know I sound like I'm overreacting, or panicking and not thinking straight, or something. But seeing that picture and reading that description got to me as much as Nate's repeated, unrelenting attempts to wedge his way back into my life, so I never, ever get away from him.

Okay, now I really am sounding like a mental case. :) I'm exaggerating a little, just to describe the effect he has on me.

The bottom line is still that I have got to get him out of my life as fast and as completely as possible. And maybe I'll find someone one day who I am just as equally in love with as I was with Nate, but who is a much healthier person to be in love with.

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