Growing up, it never crossed my mind that I would get married. I always assumed I would be living by myself, alone, after college, because I grew up with my mom living alone and working all the time so she could support me and Sam. I always assumed I would do the same.

At the same time, I've always been more inclined toward dependency. I've been wondering the last three years how I'm going to make it by myself after college, because I know so little about how to take care of myself. I always knew I had Mom's self-sufficient attitude, but I lacked the practical, realistic knowledge about things like working full time and buying groceries and cooking for myself.

This summer I tried to jump-start myself into independence by talking to Mom about finding an apartment in the area to live in next year.

"Finding an apartment?!" Mom almost laughed.

I was completely astonished by her tone. "Well...Yeah. I mean...I'm gonna have to be independent next summer! ...Right?"

"You're not going to be independent next summer!" Mom said.

"I'm not?" I asked.

"Stephanie, you're not even going to have a real job for a few years," Mom continued.

--Okay, something just hit me. Just now as I was writing this.

Mom is having separation issues.

Hm. That...is very interesting. And it shall require further thought in the near future.--

Anyway... So after that conversation my big dreams of independence dwindled down to quite small in size. I decided to just go with Mom's plan and live with her after graduation until I find an apartment by myself or get married...Whichever happens first.

And that brings me to my point.

I said that it never crossed my mind that I would ever get married. Now that I'm seriously dating someone, it opens up a whole new realm of possibilities I've never thought about before. I could end up without ever having a period of independence...I could end up going straight from my mom's house to my husband's house.

I don't think I want that to happen. I would like to experience a little bit of independence and freedom. Just a little bit. Even a few months. I want that experience.

But I know I'm not ready to leap into complete independence from my state of mostly dependence right now. So what I'm thinking of as a possibility is actually paying rent to my mom for a while. That's what my sis is doing right now with my grandparents: living with them but paying rent and basically supporting herself. Granted, she's not doing a very good job of it--but she is, to some degree, supporting herself.

I have got to go to bed, but to wrap things up... Life has taken some interesting curves. God's the director of this path I am on, though. He'll take care of me.

Good night, all.

-Stephanie

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