I don't remember many of the details. I dreamt I was talking to Stephen about something and suddenly I started crying. It was out of the blue, and Stephen had his "What in the world is wrong??" look on. I had to wait to gather myself together. I told Stephen I wanted my little girl back and I hated myself for giving her up and not being the parent I should have been. "She must be 4 years old now," I said, "and she doesn't even know who her mommy is."

My dream showed a flashback of me handing a beautiful dark-haired baby girl straight over to my mom with barely a glance. I had given her up because Stephen and I weren't ready for children yet.

This dream is admittedly senseless in many ways, but it was powerful and left me with a feeling of horror and dread. On the one hand, it convicted me with a vengeance to never give up my children for any reason (as if I would), but on the other hand it utterly convinced me that I am so not ready for children!

As a newlywed, you start to separate from your parents and realize that they didn't raise you as well as they could have, and you start to get this idea that you can do a much better job than they did! You know exactly what your mom did or didn't do right; of course you could handle children. This dream came at a good point because I was starting to feel that way.

Another humbler was today when I was walking in the park. I had gotten up to a comfortable exercising speed, about 3.0 mph, and felt good about myself for all the calories I was burning, especially going uphill. Then a woman came jogging around the corner ahead of me and sat me right back down in my place. This woman wasn't just jogging. She was also pushing her baby in its stroller and walking the dog. And she was going faster than my measly 3.0 mph.

I was assaulted with a whole cannon of feelings and thoughts. It was something like, Oh my gosh she must work so hard where is her husband why is she doing all three at once I can't believe that what dedication she must have no time to herself I COULD NEVER DO THAT!!!

There were a lot of moms in the park today but she left the most memorable impression. I will forever call her IncrediMom.

Up till today I had only heard about these people, these IncrediMoms. The suburbs are full of them. But that was the first one I'd seen in action.

Lord, make me worthy!

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023