There's just a lot going on. A lot to think about. A lot to worry about.

An online acquaintance that I have never been quite comfortable around randomly IMed me the other day and told me he and his wife of 3 years are getting a divorce. It's terrifying hearing about your friends and acquaintances are starting to get divorces and you haven't even reached your first year of marriage...

Ryan is going away to seminary at the end of the month and from all accounts it STILL doesn't look like he's defined things with Jenny. I've decided I won't interfere unless Jenny asks me to, but I wish I knew more what was going on.

My sister's coming back from my hometown the 18th of September. She's still with her ex; I don't know how they are going to handle that, since Sam has vowed that she could never do long distance. I have a lot of worries concerning her, as usual. I won't go into them all now.

I'm learning a lot from God, or trying to learn a lot from him. Last night at Platform (a Wednesday night service for 20-somethings), the youth pastor's wife spoke about the different characteristics of love and challenged us to really question ourselves and find out which parts of love we struggle with the most. Mine are definitely "[Love] is not easily angered," "is not jealous" and "is not proud." Jealousy surrounding boys and drama is something I obviously haven't had to deal with in a long time, but what Jocelyn said last night was that the Love chapter is smack dab in the middle of the section in 1 Corinthians about spiritual gifts. She said that we tend to get jealous of people who have our same gifts, and we tend to criticize the way they do things and think to ourselves self-righteously, That's not how I would have done it! And that really hit home for me. We have a girl in our small group, actually, who is good at singing and has been in multiple choirs and ensembles like me. She's outgoing and not afraid to volunteer her singing talent. She has her own things she needs to work on--I have a feeling she's VERY proud of her own singing talent, and would probably come face-to-face with a critical spirit if I ever stepped out and put my voice out there. But I am no better if I remain critical toward her. So I have a lot to work on there. :/

And the "easily angered" thing obviously comes into play in my relationship with Stephen; both he and I know that all too well. Thank the Lord for putting Rachel into my life--she confessed that that's her struggling area too. And what's awesome is that she SAID it in front of the group first. (We had small group discussion at Platform, and Sara, Stephen and Ethan spoke first, but kind of avoided being honest by saying that they struggle with ALL of the qualities of love. Rachel was the first one to speak up and be honest. I was just a second behind her. We both value open, honest communication.) She said exactly what I would have said, too, LOL, in exactly the way I would have said it. We're just a lot like and I am so, so grateful for her.

Jason also values open, honest communication. I think Jason has got a lot right. He is really introverted--more so than me, I think--and is musically talented, but not the best. But he goes up and leads worship for Platform sometimes, and for church sometimes when Dave is gone (like this month). And he just puts himself out there in complete honesty and in complete humility. I really admire that.

I've been thinking about all the people I know getting married, too. I can't help but think about them and try and decide whether they've made a good match or not. I think it's because I come from a divorced family and I don't wish that upon anybody. Or something.

But I had a thought about Molly's marriage today. Molly is one that I was most surprised about, besides Justin Derting. They were both flirts in youth group, and I do know people grow up, but I haven't seen the growing up, so it's hard for me to get my head around. But as I said, I had a thought about her today. Marriage is going to be very good for Molly, and Molly is going to be very good for marriage. She has got to be one of the sweetest girls I know, and she has a lot of heart. I have a feeling that when she met Jonathan, she just knew, and in that moment, all other guys faded from her mind. And in my mind I see them going through a lot together and being totally in love all the way through it.

It's surprising who gets married first out of a group. Out of Beth, Molly and Brooke, the one I least expected got married first. Beth, the one I most expected, will be marrying only shortly after her friend. Brooke is still single. But I know the first guy Brooke dates will probably be the one she marries. I think she's just choosing carefully. Good for her.

I wonder what happened to my ex?

I wonder how Kevin and Allie are doing?

I wonder what will happen between Jenny and Ryan?

I wonder how things will go with Beth and Ed?

I wonder if I'll ever get to meet Molly's husband?

I wonder why I hang on so tight to the youth group kids I knew?

I wonder why I immediately connect with some people and are unable to forget them, and why I choose to not connect with others?

I wonder if how I will ever get this house cleaned up if I just sit here wondering all day?

It's very hard not to do.

-Stephanie

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