Troubling thoughts from today.

...Honestly, charismatic churches scare me to death. That�s why it's such a temptation for me to mouth off about them. Because when I�m afraid of something, my immediate reaction is to get angry, to wall up, to find reasons to not believe that the something scaring me is real. I�ve done that forever. And for some reason, the idea of God concretely moving in my life scares me to death. Or in anyone�s life, for that matter. The stories I hear of miracles overseas--my immediate thought is, Thank goodness that�s not here! Because it scares me. It worries me that God can be that concrete, because what if he does something concrete to me? What if I do speak in tongues? What if I do cause somebody�s leg to extend? Then I�m not in control of myself. And that�s terrifying. People tell stories about people who are not in control of themselves.

So I don�t really know what to think. Because on the one hand, it�s not bad to be under the control of God, if he�s a good God, and it's not bad for a good God to be in control. But on the other hand, I want to be in total control of myself. I'm okay with God working with my life as it is, and subtly guiding me by my own intuition this way and that, but I am not okay with him physically making himself known and changing up things. :/ Or something.

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