Haven't felt much like writing to an invisible audience lately. Where's the real friendship? :/

It's getting to that time of year again. And I don't mean the holidays. SAD set in pretty hard yesterday. Time to open up blinds, take vitamin D, and do as much staring at color as I possibly can to keep on top of depression. Yuck.

SAD for me looks like absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING. And all the while fighting against it, trying to make myself go out of doors, eat, and/or do things. It's a constant, ferocious struggle. Mostly I just feel like sleeping all day.

Stephen's been praying for a friend to come into my life that I can just randomly call up and talk to or hang out with. I really hope God answers that prayer.

Coffee meetings with Georgene are not currently working out. I can't figure out what's going on, whether it's me or her or both of us. I know she's probably just like me in that she never wants to get too close to people, and she'll always be on the move to new friendships once one starts to fade. I can't figure out if I should just let that happen or what. 'Cause I'm exactly the same way.

I'm supposed to be editing her resumes so that they stand out. I am not really very good at that. The only reason my resumes are any good is because I know myself extremely well. Georgene isn't much like me in the working world, though. So bleh. I wish I knew what to do there, too.

Darcey is busy as all get out, it sounds like. I think I forgot somewhere along the way that she's a worker AND a mom. Unlike Gerogene, Darcey has the primary custody of her boy, and the only time her soon-to-be ex-husband has him is every other weekend. So Darcey is doing the single mom thing full-time, AND trying to work through all the divorce proceedings. I haven't been very sensitive to that.

She didn't come to Sunday night Bible study. She and her boy were both sick this weekend and I imagine that was primarily why. I hope so anyway... But I also am aware that for an introvert, the sudden attention she's getting from people at our church must be overwhelming. I felt much the same way when I joined Stephen's family. They were extremely warm, inviting, friendly and in all other ways like a loving family--but it was overwhelming for me. I STILL, to this day, haven't quite adjusted to being part of his family yet. It occurred to me yesterday, with a very painful twinge, what if I am wasting precious time? What if I look back in 10 years and wish I had a closer relationship with them? And yet I can't just force myself to dive in and do that. I just don't get close to people like that. Not anymore.

I think I used to do that, when I was a teenager. But I was also more egocentric at that age, like all teens are--I wanted what my friends could give me (i.e. understanding, sympathy, etc.). This world of adult, others-focused friendships, where I become a secondary character instead of center stage, is way brand-new to me. I haven't straightened it all out yet. It's very frustrating at times.

Anyway, what was I rambling about? Darcey. Being overwhelmed by people wanting to take her in. I hope she eventually becomes comfortable with us, though. And I hope in the meantime we can walk the delicate balance between being friend enough to her, and being friend too much (or not enough). God give us strength.

-Stephanie

Afterthought: That was a refreshingly others-focused entry, even if it didn't start out that way. :)

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Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

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Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

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