I've come to a few conclusions lately that have brought me peace.

Georgene and I haven't talked for a long time. I love her to pieces, but the other day while I was praying, I realized that that chapter of my life is closed now. I was a "season" friend for her. I feel a lot of peace about this conclusion...The only part that troubles me some is the uncertainty whether Georgene has come to this same conclusion. But I know God put me in her life for that short season between my employment there and the end of her employment there. She knew there was an axe was hanging above her head and it was only a matter of time before it fell. She just needed someone to be there when it did.

Georgene, bless her tender heart, is not ready to be a friend to me right now. It's possible that in the future, when she moves past a few things, she might be ready to be a friend, and perhaps God will bring her back into my life then.

If I saw her again, like randomly ran into her at the store, I'd hug her and start to cry. I really do love her to pieces and it breaks my heart we can't be friends right now. But I really do have an inward peace about the whole situation now, which I hadn't had up until that day I was praying.

The other thing that God finally brought me to peace with was my own need for a "mother." It is truly funny, the things we think we need, and the things we find out we need instead. I thought I needed a dad. But it turns out I need a mom. I have my mom, of course, but what I need is somebody closer to act as my substitute mom. It was Margie (Stephen's mom) while she was here, but now I need somebody else. Maybe it's part of the whole leaving-and-cleaving thing God's trying to teach me. I learned this last weekend, much to my surprise, that it's okay to look up to your mother-in-law and respect her and go to her with problems. I thought that my desire to do that was a leaving problem--but, as it turns out, I was never Margie's daughter, so I'm not breaking the "leave" rule by going to her with problems. It would be different if I were going to my own mom--but, as I said jokingly at the marriage team retreat this weekend, I've pretty much got it down that my single mom is not the person to go to for marriage advice. LOL. (So maybe God really does have a plan for everything!)

But I still need somebody local. And I'm thinking God might just direct me towards someone. Right now i currently think it's Michelle, a woman who responded concretely to my prayer request for a mentor. But I'm also part of a Thursday night women's Bible study, where they're all older than me (with the exception of one young woman), so...I think I've done a good job. I've widened my circle of potential "moms' and I think I might be able to find that "mom" I need to take me through these first steps of learning to be a wife and, later, a mother.

I'll tell you why it was so difficult for me to come to such a simple conclusion. I thought needing somebody to kind of hold my hand and walk me through this was a juvenile desire that meant I wasn't grown up yet. Because when I was a kid, all clear up through college, I think, my mantra was, "I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be an adult. I want to stay a kid forever." And then I met Stephen and realized I really do need to grow up. And I felt like needing to follow in somebody's footsteps, needing a hand to hold onto, needing somebody to walk me through it, was part of leftover desire to never grow up. But it turns out that even when you're ready to grow up, you're not quite ready to be on your own yet. I wish I had learned this earlier. I could have let myself off the hook so many times for wanting somebody to follow.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense, but writing this down is really good for me. It confirms to myself what I've already learned. And I'm thankful.

So, if you ever pray for me, you can say a quick prayer that God will direct me to the right "mom." And that He'll continue to give me peace about needing somebody to follow. I think this will make my life immensely easier if I just let it happen. I think a lot of things would make my life immensely easier if I'd just let them happen, LOL.

-Stephanie

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