"What would you do if motherhood weren't an option?"

Stephen asked me this in one of our (more and more frequent) life boredom and fear of change conversations yesterday or the day before.

For some reason, I can't wrap my head around the concept that motherhood would not be an option. I'm too wrapped up in this motherhood-centered church community I'm in. But I can tell that this is a very important question for me to answer if I'm ever going to get out of this life boredom stage, since babies is really not an option yet.

Stephen asked me how I felt being missionaries, which I thought was kind of funny, because I had just thought of that the day before he asked me. Feeling too absorbed in my family's expectations, I asked myself, What is the most outlandish thing I could possibly do that would break my family's expectations of me forever so I could finally leave their expectations behind and become my own person? Being a missionary to Africa was the first thing that popped into my head.

It's funny how I still feel so tied to their expectations even though they don't try at all to control me. I just desperately want to please them.

It's even funnier to me that it's my grandparents' opinions I'm worried about, not my mom's. My mom seriously doesn't care what I do, as long as I do something.

I guess I'm a tad worried about Mom and Dad B.'s expectations, too (Stephen's parents). But not the way I worry about Grandma and Grandpa.

They have been so disappointed in life. I just so do not want to be that source of disappointment.

It's terrible to watch. I mentioned before that my grandpa has become very down about the world. I know old people usually deal with this to some degree, but it seems to really weigh Grandpa down badly. I guess...I guess a little bit like my great-grandma, his mother, got toward the end of her life. Hmm. Genetics? Interesting.

My grandparents, even though they're very dedicated Christians, live as though this world is it. They live "under the sun," as Ecclesiastes says. What I mean is, they know that eternal life awaits them after they die, but that's where the Gospel ends for them. It doesn't apply now. God is up there, but they can't really see Him down here. They very much live within the mentality of Ecclesiastes.

But I know God has a purpose for every detail of our lives. I'm not sure what the purpose is yet, but I know there is one.

"To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

From Facebook:

Stephanie just needs some prayer for life direction and purpose.

Isaac: as do I, sister. As do I. I am starting to begin my day with a simple mantra: Is this where You want me today, Lord? If not, where are You, so that I can be where You are? ....It's the single most hardest prayer in my life. But a peace will come.. I can feel it :)

Stephen's great aunt: I'll be praying for that, Stephanie. He does have wonderful plans for you, and you will find joy in them as you walk daily with Him. He loves you immeasureably and inconceivably more than you can imagine! Hugs.

Stephen's grandpa: I encourage you to share your burden with Steve, so you can both pray together and determine together that purpose. The two of you are one. When you both know God's purpose for you as a couple, it will become evident to you where you fit into the picture.

Stephen's mom: Always, sweetie!

What Grandpa B. said keeps coming back to me. I know he's right. Stephen and I knew from early on that we would have to find a purpose as a couple for God's kingdom. We're still searching for what that is. I feel as though he thinks of it as one thing and I think of it as another, so we keep stretching in different directions! It's kind of a funny picture in my head. Time to figure out what our true direction is.

How is it that a couple earnestly seeking God, after 3 years of marriage, still can't find God's purpose for them? Oy vey. So many questions, so many twists and turns in my mind, trying to sort it all out.

On a good note--I get to see Elizabeth tonight. She and Ryan drove up for Ryan's sister's wedding (and Liz 36.5 weeks pregnant!!!) and we're getting to have dessert tonight with them and with Liz's sister Melissa and her husband, Jason.

I love seeing my best friend. And one other good thing, speaking of Elizabeth--I've been feeling that I haven't been a good enough friend to her, but she keeps calling me her best friend and saying how glad she is to have me, and Stephen finally got it to make sense in my head the other day. :) He said, "You're the one that's been there the whole time. You haven't forgotten her."

I'm like, Are you kidding?! How could I possibly forget her?! She's been, like, the defining factor in my life since 5th grade! LOL.

But anyway, he continued, "I mean, you're the friend that drove 6 hours for her baby shower!"

And that's when I got it. :) He's right. That would mean a lot to her. It probably meant more to her that I drove over to spend time with her than the gift I got her. Which is really quite amazing to think about.

So, Amy. :) I know you're reading this. Just keep being her friend like you always have. She's never going to forget you, and you not forgetting her will make certain of it. She might go through a ton of stuff in the next few years, and if you're still there on the other side of it, you will definitely have assured your place in her heart. No question! :)

-Stephanie

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