This is so much harder than I thought.

Dear God,

Where do I fit in? I'm afraid of being a mom, I'm afraid of having a job. I'm afraid to be lazy, I'm afraid to take action. I feel like I'm getting an F in life, God. What happens now?

Jon says fear is not trusting you. I realize that's true. Lord, I realize I'm not trusting my marriage to you. I'm not trusting it to not fall apart the second I take my eyes off it. I realize this driving fear of my marriage falling apart is starting to affect my life (negatively).

Part of it is the thought of losing Stephen. In fact, perhaps all of it is. Not just failing at marriage--but losing Stephen. I've always been afraid of stepping out and being my own person,

Are you asking me to accept that I could lose him?

I know what you're asking. You're asking me to rely upon you for my well-being, not Stephen.

I wonder if this reliance upon him is part of what causes his stress about providing for us/me.

God, I just don't know if I will ever, ever be able to trust you that way. I can't trust in uncertain things.

I think that's why I've become convinced that you make yourself certain. It's also why I continually peg Stephen with questions about the uncertainties about you (as gleaned from the Bible, my only concrete representation of you).

So, God, do you make yourself certain? And are you certainly someone I can trust? Because, God, if you do, and you are, I can believe and trust in you.

Your child,
Stephanie

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