Saved by Grace

Conversations with God
11:07 a.m. || June 1, 2004

This is a private conversation. Don't read--unless you enjoy eavesdropping.

DAY 1

God,

It's done. It's over. We are no longer togther. He agreed.

I'm dying inside. And I don't know what to pray. I hate You, God, for making me do this. I wish I'd never met You. All I've gotten is pain.

I know that isn't true, Daddy. Help me listen to my head and not my heart, because right now my heart is the seat of deceit.

I still love him, Father. I could still be happy with him. I can still be a help to him.

He needs You right now, though, not me.

...Lord? I don't feel like there's anything I can do right now but crawl in Your lap and cry. Is that okay? Will You comfort me?

And *****. Don't forget *****--please don't forget *****. Are You big enough to handle us both at once?

Oh, Lord. I don't see how this can be, but my chief concern is for him and not me. Please, Father.... Hold him. If You have to leave me to comfort him, I ask that You'd do it.

You know I can handle you both at once.

...Yes, God. I'm just scared, and I want him to find You and lean on You. At his lowest points, do You promise to be there, lifting him up?

I can do more than promise that, My child.

Lord, what about his family?

What about them?

Aren't they terribly disappointed in me?

Can you help how they've been raised?

No...

Stephanie.

What? Lord, You say my name.... And I know You love me. You say my name and I trust You.

My child, Stephanie.

Your child. Me. Like, me. Me in my own handwriting! Me, who never writes exactly on the line. Me, who tries so hard to be pretty and pleasing. Me, who is so traditional. Me, who's never perfect but still tries. You love that me?

I love you. You, Stephanie.

Lord, tell ***** the same thing. Tell him you love him, with all his history--

Oh, God.... Oh, God. God, why? Why do I have to let him go? Him, with all his history? Him, with all his imperfections? Him, who has so much trouble trusting others? Lord, I love all these things dearly about him. How can You ask me to let him go?

Oh, my God... That song. Whatever You do, Father, don't remind him of that song. Unless it'll bring him comfort.

Oh, Father.... What is this heavy, heavy burden weighing on my heart now? Lord! Help him. Reach out to him. Oh, Father, bring him close to You.

Father... I do love him.

If you love something, set it free.

And if it returns, it was meant to be.

The minute I release him to You, I worry. Oh, Father....

Do you trust Me?

Do I trust You. What a question. Do I trust You? More like will I trust You.

Do you trust Me now?

Now?

Why is this so hard?

It's easy to trust in Me in the happy times, when everything's going right.

People are like stained-glass windows. Their real beauty shines through the best when everything's dark outside, but there's a light within.

Do You trust me now? With ***** and all his "issues"?

You created his "issues." You know how to handle them best. I will trust You. I do trust You. Right now.

Thank you, My child.

Oh, Father... I'm scared

Romans 8:28.

Romans 8:28. Romans 8:28.

Write it out.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him." Thank You, Father, for Your promise.

Be with *****.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I promise.

DAY 2

I still love him, Jesus. Why'd You make me let him go?

The one thing I don't understand about this whole letting him go is, what about him? What about his spiritual walk? What about him and You? What's going to happen to him as far as knowing You goes?

That is not your concern. Just trust Me. I have him in my hands.

And You won't let him go?

Okay, sorry, Jesus, none of my concern.

Don't worry about tomorrow, for each day is enough trouble on its own.

Yes, Lord.

I'm just worried--

Trust Me.

But--

Trust Me.

God--

Just trust Me. I love you. I love *****, too.

You do? As much as You love me?