I can't believe how difficult this job thing is turning out to be. One day I'm totally ready to accept a position that would include Saturdays (meaning I'd have to quit my current job), the next day I get a phone call that flips me on my head again.

D. called and told me I could have this Saturday off after all, which I am incredibly thankful for, and in complete and utter disbelief over. And it totally deflated my motivation to seek those Saturday-including jobs I've been applying for. Ugh.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!!!!!

I'm halfway tempted to just go apply for floral delivery weekday driver jobs.

So what keeps me from doing that? 1. Feeling of disloyalty. 2. Freaked out about driving up to the floral wholesalers, which all floral delivery driver jobs in this area would have to do (it's a LONG drive through territory I'm totally unfamiliar with) 3. Fear of getting stuck as a delivery driver and never moving into design 4. What if the work environment is worse? 5. Just general extreme discomfort with change!!

Uggghhh.

And on the other hand, my assistant pastor's wife is trying to tell me I should get a job helping old women and old men shower.

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

I'm, like, the most sheltered, uncomfortable-with-nudity, especially wrinkled nudity, person you could ever meet.

Errand-running, yes. Light housekeeping, sure. Talking with old people, definitely. Cooking for them--uh, maybe? If they give me a list of recipes? Helping them shower, uh, NO!?

My assistant pastor's wife is very sweet and I totally appreciate her trying to help me out by suggesting different jobs to me. But when somebody suggests something to me, I automatically feel like I should pursue it or else I'll hurt their feelings or something stupid like that. But I am PETRIFIED of pursuing caregiving jobs because of the helping-them-shower-and-go-potty bit.

If you couldn't tell before that I've never done basic care for anything, I'm sure you can now. I even make my hubby clean out the cat box and try not to throw up when I have to clean up her puke (she throws up her food a lot).

I know, I know. And what do I expect when motherhood comes around?? But I figure if it's my own kids that come from my own body through the grueling process of childbirth, then it shouldn't be as squeamish a thing to take care of their bodily discharges...Right?

I am such a lost cause. :S

And very frazzled today.

-Stephanie

Writing out what I'm afraid of specifically above helped.... So what keeps me from applying for florist jobs? 1. Feeling of disloyalty. 2. Fear I won't be able to handle it when it gets busy. 3. Fear I won't do a good enough job designing.

What keeps me from just starting my own business? 1. Fear I'll do a poor job managing the financial aspect and just run it into the ground. 2. Fear it will just peter out because I'm not an aggressive enough marketer. 3. Fear it'll be a big moneysink even if I market and manage just fine because there just flat out isn't business for it.

Ugh. So many fears.

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So after this entry I posted a desperate plea on Facebook: "Somebody please tell me how the Gospel helps when your fear of failure is paralyzing you." And then after several minutes, I decided to Google it myself and see what help there was out there. Amazingly, the very first thing that came up was this webpage: http://itsabeautifulgospel.com/2009/10/03/do-you-fear-rejection-failure-insignificance-chaos-and-being-out-of-control/ TOTALLY re-oriented my perspective the way I needed....So, so, so glad and thankful that God showed that to me. :) It didn't, you know, 100% fix me, but it did help. And it helped me pray in such a way that God can use to fix me: "Lord, please help me believe this."

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