Yep, it's a season. Hardly a day goes by where something doesn't go through my head that I need to write about.

Now where do I start? I like to tell stories, but this is, like, two stories in one. Maybe if I list them separately, I'll get my thoughts more in order...

1. I'm pleased with the new Women's Bible Study.
2. I might be getting more involved with the Women's Bible Study.

Ah, that helped. Okay. Story one: I have not been pleased with the Women's Bible Study in the past, although I don't think I have written much about it here. The thing is, my church is full of immature and new Christians, mostly in their 30s and 40s. So their worldviews are already well established--then Christianity comes in, and they don't really know what to do with it. "Okay, I'm a Christian, now what? I just keep living life normally?" This is a huge need in our church--the need of the deepening of these women's faith, so that their lives match up to their new perspectives.

So, the Bible study sessions--both the material they choose and the discussions we have--reflect these women's lack of depth of faith, often resulting in very poor theology and lots and lots of inconsistencies in their beliefs. It drives me nuts! (Thank you, oh beloved husband, for really hammering to me the value of consistency so that inconsistency now drives me just as crazy as it drives you. LOL.) I've continued coming to the studies in hopes that I can, you know, help them somehow in growing toward more consistent beliefs, but so much of this has been my own journey that I have felt really inept at explaining things to the women because I'm still figuring it out myself.

Anyway, this year they have, thankfully, chosen a Bible study that seems much more theologically sound than other BIble studies we've done. And one thing I really like is that the author of the study (Kay Arthur) allows us to draw our own conclusions instead of telling us how she thinks things are.

OH, and the other thing that is SUCH an answer to prayer is our music! We just got a real worship pastor, and for the first time maybe EVER, we have somebody live to lead us into worship with just a guitar and his voice. (Previously we were just singing along with CD tracks, which really...ruins the worship experience somehow.) Sooooooooo thankful!!!!!!

So anyway, that leads me to Part 2.

Because of where I'm at in my faith now (much more mature and solidly founded than previously), and because of the changes to the Women's Bible Study, I feel as if it is about time I get more involved.

And the first way I am thinking of getting involved is singing with our new worship pastor up front.

Except I HATE singing in front of people. Mostly because singing in front of people, for me, always comes with this epic spiritual battle of pride. It's so, so easy to get totally self-interested when it comes to my singing voice. And that, I've learned, is incompatible with leading worship, which is supposed to be about GOD, not me.

But God might be leading me that direction anyway. Maybe He wants me to battle it out with my pride, since I've realized that that's a problem.

Last night at Bible study, before we sang, they reminded us again that Mark (our worship leader) would LOVE it if one of the women would help him sing. I felt the same little "THAT MEANS YOU!" message in my head that I did last week and tried to ignore it. Then we began singing and......I was personally shocked (I hate to say that) at how...badly the other women sang. I don't mean off-key. But they just mumbled! It was obvious to me that they didn't know some of the songs and were definitely not comfortable with singing. I wonder if partially this is women trying to sound bad so they won't get recruited to sing up front... Hm.

Anyway. It didn't stop me. I sang just like I always do and heard my voice clear as a bell over all the other women's mumbling. I kept expecting Mark to hear me singing, look straight at me and say, "YOU!" with his eyes or something, but he never did (he's super relaxed about...everything, unlike the rest of our church :) ).

So, as you can see reflected in my writing just in the last 2 paragraphs, this is a pride thing for me. Being able to sing makes me feel better than other women, but it in turn makes me feel super super high pressure to be perfect so I can live up to my own prideful expectations of myself. :P It's ridiculous, really.

A-ny-way, this entry is getting really long, so just one more thing and then I need to close: The other way I'm contemplating getting involved is by leading a small group. They have three small groups and only two leaders, and given my own spiritual journey of late, I could see how I might be suited for that. And there wouldn't be any pride involved there (or not much), because I am still figuring everything out. :P

'K, time to go.

-Stephanie

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