I went to the women's retreat at my church this weekend. It was so hard, but so good.

We talked about "strongholds." Things that have a strong hold on your life [that shouldn't]. It goes with the Bible study we're doing right now called Stuck by Jennie Allen, which is all about addressing the sins in our lives...Ouch!! But I can't emphasize enough how necessary I think this is.

We actually were asked right off the bat to think of what our strongholds were and then share them with our small group. Scary!! I was a little shocked that they took such an aggressive approach, but in serious admiration, too. Our new women's director is amazing. She's just as scared as the rest of us but is brave enough to tackle the hard things anyway, because she knows it's best. I would LOVE to have that kind of courage!!

So I had trouble thinking of one. I should say, I had trouble thinking of just one stronghold. I feel like God hit me with about 5 lessons at once and somehow they are probably all connected. The deepest one that I told them about, I phrased like this: "I'm afraid there's something wrong with me that even God can't fix." It's what flavors my interactions with other people. It's what makes me be choose a life of isolation. It's what makes me not trust people with my heart. It's what makes me keep them at arms' length. The thing is, I don't know what that something is that I think is wrong with me, except for it might be my "oversensitivity."

My small group leader afterwards came to me (she's amazing as well) and suggested I do an activity to help me uncover what that something might be. She said to write down 10 influential events in my life. So during quiet time that day, I went to my prayer journal and thought, and prayed, and wrote. I only got 3, but what was odd, was all of them had to do with evangelism, which I'm not sure has anything to do with what I think is wrong with me. Or maybe it does.

I kept thinking about that list during the day, and during Saturday night's worship I found myself unable to sing, because I was in tears as I grappled with my feelings of failure as an evangelist. Most notably was the idea that my friend Rhonda is not a Christian because of me. And in the same vein, I think my sister is the way she is because of me, too. I guess I feel like I can't do evangelism right--I always come across too harsh and judgmental.

Interestingly, in a conversation with Stephen after I returned home, I realized something else quasi-related: I'm not good at telling the people the truth in love. I already knew that, but I realized what it is I do instead when I was talking with Stephen. I either make it sound like a joke, so they can take it seriously or as a joke, or I tell it waaaaayyy too harshly. It's a pretty phenomenally clear pattern as I look over times I have tried to tell people the truth in love. I think the only time I did it right--from a heart of compassion, instead of a heart of self-righteousness--was the time it ended up making my friend Angela cut off our friendship.

THIS IS NOT EASY TO WRITE. Agh! I'm getting all achy again in the upper central part of my back, where I carry all my stress. :/

So I think that's enough of that train of thought. Sounds like I need to go hammer things out with God more before I write here.

I think my favorite memory (and this is going to sound weird) of the retreat--the moment that filled me with the most peace--is when I was crying in the middle of Saturday worship, and my friend/Bible study leader Edy cried right next to me. We never said anything to each other, we just each dealt with our grief and were okay with dealing with it together in such close proximity.

Another of my favorite moments was when Anne, my small group leader, told me that she thought I was unique. And she meant it, in a way she couldn't define, so I defined it for her and told her about me being extra sensitive. Might not be what she meant--but that's what I think makes me unique. Funny how such a characteristic can either make you at peace with yourself, or cause you grief.

Another of my favorite moments was the car ride with my friend Darcey on the way back. That's a long story, but I've wanted to be friends with her for a very long time, but it's been difficult. We're both insecure introverts. Go figure. *eyeroll* Anyway, we weren't roommates and didn't sit by each other the entire time we were at the retreat, so she missed all my crying moments. When I told her about them and about me being super emotional as we were eating lunch, she gave me this disbelieving look and said, "...Really? I...wouldn't have thought that about you at all."

Which floored me. I just spent basically the whole weekend on the verge of tears, if not succumbing to them. And she hadn't seen a lick of it.

Of course, part of it is because when I'm with her I see myself as the strong person there to help her through her weak moments (she's been through a LOT). And it's not as if I wouldn't ever let her see me cry, but I just never feel like crying when I'm with her, because I so enjoy feeling like the strong person for once. That sounds bad somehow...But what I mean is, it's nice to not be the one everybody has to be strong for, and instead have a role reversal.

Anyway, so that was such an eye-opening moment for me. I guess I've done a pretty darn good job at the strong person role with her. It made me realize people don't always see you as you see yourself, in a good way. It also made me want to be more real with her, too.

I don't want people to think of me as a victim. I have enough of those moments in my own head! I need others to believe that I can be strong, so that I am motivated to prove it to them and to myself.

Which is probably not healthy, LOL, BUT... it doesn't bother me. I know I'm a girl in transition, because God is making me more and more into my "glory-self"--the person I will be in heaven when all traces of sin are stripped from me (won't that be a sight?!?!!).

HOLY COW. I just realized something HUGE. I no longer believe that my imperfections are permanent!!!! :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O

There are not enough gaping faces to express the hugeness of this. I don't even want to wrap up this blog--I'm just going to leave it there and rest in that incredible truth. NOT PERMANENT. Oh, praise the One Who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!!!

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023