I've been trying to find a way to unburden myself from some hurt I experienced last night and I've finally remembered Diaryland. Normally I would talk to Stephen about this, but it's just a little too close to home yet. By which I mean, I know where my error lies, but I have to get out the hurt before I can address the error on my part. And Stephen would be really good at telling me where my error lies, without understanding the hurt that has come nonetheless.

So anyway.

First, a little background. Stephen's brother Tim and his wife Mary have been married for... Gosh, probably 7 years? They tried for 3 years to have children on their own, without success. So last year or the year before, they took in two kids and have been in the (long) process of adopting them.

I would like to say that, while I have never been in Mary's shoes, I understand that that would be extremely difficult in so many ways. I feel nothing but tenderhearted compassion toward her.

Last night, I was up at 2 a.m., which is not out of the ordinary, thanks to pregnancy-induced insomnia (although last night's was actually related to food poisoning--that story later). I got on Facebook just for something to do. I had two messages from Mary. One was about Christmas gifts for Tim (I got his name to buy presents for this year in the Bicker family).

The other read thus:

"Hey! I went to temporarily block your posts but accidentally unfriended you. Can you please friend me again? Thanks!"

I will say that it didn't bother me that she accidentally unfriended me. I even totally understand why she would block my posts, as they have been pregnancy-related lately.

What I find very hard to deal with emotionally is that she chose to tell me that she was blocking my posts, without offering an explanation. That felt very much like a stab in the heart.

Even though I'm fairly sure what the explanation is, the fact that she didn't share it feels like a grain of doubt I can't loosen. It leaves possibility for overdramatic interpretation, and I am definitely prone to overdramatizing things.

So what is the truth behind why am I feeling this way, and how can I alter my own attitude or behavior to better reflect Christ?

In my own head, Mary knows perfectly well that I feel nothing but tenderhearted compassion toward her and would be understanding, not upset, if she explained to me that seeing posts about pregnancy is still very painful to her.

However, in reality, given that I have only met her in person a handful of times (they live very far away), she probably has no basis for knowing this about me. In all likelihood, she is merely trying to avoid adding drama to an already difficult situation.

Sigh. Now I guess the next step is to talk with Stephen about this and see if his guess on where Mary's coming from matches mine. And then I can pretend I was never hurt and just try to forget the message and hope it all doesn't come flying back next time I see her (which may not be for years).

Sigh. That's not a healthy solution either. But I can't fathom a way to talk to Mary about this without further dramatizing the situation. A Facebook message is not the way to go about things like this unless I'm keeping a very cool head, and I am definitely not feeling cool-headed about it yet. :(

-Stephanie

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