It was 3:30 p.m. Totally stressed out about a hundred thousand things, I decided to head to the prayer chapel to get with God to bring me peace again. I thought, though, of how cold the prayer chapel was inside and how solemn it was and,halfway there, I stopped in front of Ford's sign and decided right there in the sunlight on the grass was where I wanted to be. I opened my prayer journal to the last page, dated it, and wrote, "Dear God." I put my pen to my mouth and thought again. How did I want to start this letter? I knew honesty was the best way to go, so I said to God, "I can't handle all this. I'm losing it."

There were a million things on my mind, as I stated earlier. (In slightly different wording.) I had to tell my choir director that I had to leave choir early today--after forgetting to tell him on Tuesday. I still didn't know what I was going to write my 7-10 minute informational speech on, due Monday. I still hadn't decided what 4 versions to use for my Biblical Studies research project on Psalm 84. I was behind in my reading for British Literature--about 100 pages behind. I had a paper due tomorrow for Biblical Studies and I hadn't read Genesis 12-13, 15-17, 27-32 yet. Worship team tryouts were at 4:40 and I had just had to leave a voice mail correcting my pianist that tryouts were TODAY not tomorrow! And I didn't know when he would be back in. To top it all off, my aunt had just told me that I had to baby-sit my little cousin at 5:00 instead of 5:45, as I thought it was going to be--in other words, immediately after worship team tryouts. Let me not forget to mention that I have never baby-sat before.

With all this in mind, especially my voice mail I'd left for the pianist and the things I could've said WAY different and better (I am really bad at talking on the phone), I started to write, "I probably shouldn't have said..." and something completely different came to my mind than what I was going to write.

"...a lot of things in my DC Talk board post." I had hardly given that post a second thought since I'd written it yesterday. I had ranted about a lot of things that were on my mind and not started to feel totally sorry for them till this moment. I knew they'd been dumb... But still it hadn't hit me to be truly sorry for them. Now it hit me.

"I feel regret for tem now. I started to feel twinges of regret when I wrote them! Why didn't I stop?

"Is it okay to rant if you're under a lot of stress sometimes? It's certainly disagreeable. No one likes to hear rants. Particularly if they are taken out on one person.

"I'm sorry, Jesus. I shouldn't have yelled at her.

"Were you ever under so much stress you couldn't handle it? Well... You were perfect, so I guess you probably would've automatically given it to God to take care of.

"Automatically? Hm. The 'Your will be done, not mine' of your Getsemane prayer wasn't immediate. You first told God you didn't want to do what you had to.

"Well, you said, 'Take this cup from me.' Hm.

"So, Lord, what's a good prayer for me? 'Straighten everything out in my life?' LOL."

That seemed ridiculous. Then I thought about it.

"I guess that's a legit prayer. You do it anyway, Your way.

"It must be nice to be God and have no worries. :)

"Father, straighten everything out in my life."

It felt so weird to say a prayer like that. Commanding God to straighten stuff out? But as I thought more about it and I saw even more that it was an O.K. prayer. Wow. So He'd do it? I thought with wonder.

He did it.

First I went to choir 10 minutes early to see if I could talk to the teacher. He wasn't there yet, so I decided to go check at the college church for the music my accompanist said he had printed out for me. It took me a full 5 minutes to find my way into the church! I'm still very new here and definitely didn't know the church well. I finally discovered the door to the main office on the side of the building after checking two front doors and one side door. (They were all locked.) I talked to the first lady I saw, asked her about the music Ryan had faxed to the office; she got it for me, and I asked if she knew when Ryan would be back in. He still didn't know when tryouts were! And they were in a half hour...

Turned out he was at a dentist appointment. Probably wouldn't be back in a half hour. :S But, I knew of one guy who might be able to do the accompaniment for me. My biggest concern was if he'd be annoyed that it was soooooo last minute.

Next I ran back to choir and told the director that I had to leave choir at 4:30. He was like, "4:30?!" By now that was in 20 minutes. 20 minutes of choir time! "Yes, I'm SO sorry!" I apologized between breaths. "I signed up for 4:40 and totally spaced that choir is during that time! And I went back later to change it and all the spots were filled." He finally said it was okay... But 20 minutes! I knew he didn't quite like me leaving that early. I'll have to be sure not to do that again soon.

At 4:30 I got up and left the choir room and walked toward where I thought the Science Lecture Hall was. I found the Fine Arts building, got lost trying to find the Science Lecture Hall, had to ask a bunch of guys who were junior-senior age (AGH!!), "Can someone direct me to the Science Lecture Hall please?" It was so embarrassing. One of the guys was kind enough to lead me out to it.

SO! I got to my tryout place. Story's not done yet. (I still hadn't found my accompaniment.) I sat in the back few rows, glanced around, and sighted Josh. I had asked earlier if he could accompany me, he said sure, and then called him a few days later to tell him I'd found an accompanist. Well, now I was in dire need of his accompaniment.

I went over to him, crossing my fingers hoping it was him (I barely knew him), and said, "Josh? Um... Can you do accompaniment for me? I have cords and melody."

He said sure.

I thanked God for His bringing me Josh.

We went into the hallway and practiced. Yay! He picked up the cords on his guitar easily, and I sang well along with him, once I overcame my timidity. There was one part we messed up, but it was just 'cause he hadn't played the key change for me, so I was lost on the notes. We overcame that difficulty quickly. Praise God again!

My aunt showed up at 4:50. I still hadn't sung. They were having serious mike problems. I rushed to her and explained the situation. She said it was okay and I actually believed her. Hallelujah! That eased my mind.

Finally I had to go up. I wasn't really too scared. Definitely nervous, but not petrified.

I won't go into detail about the performance. I had to start about three times because of the mikes. That stunk. I did well, though... I got off on the tempo a few times. Partly 'cause we hadn't practiced together enough. Partly 'cause the mikes kept startling Josh and making him miss a few strums, throwing me off.

On the whole, I think I sounded okay. At least both of us weren't auditioning together. LOL. That would just be BAD! They'd have kicked us out in an instant. (Not really. :) )

Anyway. After the tryouts, I ran out with my aunt to go to the babysitting. I had to break down. I mean, I had to. I'm just that sort. Tryouts/auditions FREAK ME OUT. There's nothing more to it. And with all that stuff preceding it... Like I said, I just had to break down in order to release all the pent-up emotions from the day.

But! God shone through for me. Oh man, He is a good God!

He got that music to me, so Josh could play for me.

He got Josh where I needed him when I needed him.

He gave my teacher the compassion to go easy on me.

He let me do well singing-wise. Normally I would have been shaking in my shoes with a deer-in-headlights look. I wasn't shaking at all. I was anxious but not scared.

He gave my aunt the compassion to be patient as I waited to sing and to listen to me when I broke down.

He let my first babysitting experience go well! That was great.

And all is well. I'm so happy. Our God is a good God.

And now I'm going to BED! Praise the Lord! LOL. :D

-Stephanie

P.S. "God, You Are" was the name of the song I did. :)