I am so stress-able. Ever since last night I've been crazy stressed.

Two things happened last night that stressed me out. The first one was getting over-educated about strollers and carseats from a friend of mine. That wasn't helpful at all... Made me feel completely overwhelmed. :(

The other thing was getting a letter from my dad. *CRINGE!!!* I knew knew knew knew KNEW that a letter would be coming immediately once I sent him my baby announcement Christmas card, and UGH, sure enough. He never fails. *grits teeth*

*sigh* Anyway, he blabbered on as usual about how much he loves me and Sam and how excited he is and gave me all this--what he thinks of as--"fatherly" advice, and of course. He also mentioned that he cannot wait until he meets his new grandchild.

Which just makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.

(Sorry. A tad dramatic right now. :( )

My completely not-in-my-life father has a way of inviting himself to come see major events in our lives, whether we want him to or not.

:( :( :( :(

I think that's the hugest thing that's freaking me out right now, just the notion of him hopping a plane and popping in unexpectedly sometime in June or July to see me and his "precious" grandchild.

The worst part is, I don't have the backbone to tell him NO you can't come see us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I'm writing my dad a letter trying to explain to him how I feel about him, and I'm learning stuff about myself I didn't know.

What hurts me most about my dad isn't anything to do with me, but it's observing the pain he caused/still causes my family. I don't mean just my mom. I don't think it's even mostly my mom. It's my grandparents.

There's so much unforgiveness lingering around my dad and mom and what happened with them 30 years ago. My grandparents can't find a way to truly forgive them because, as Stephen puts it, "they can't truly forgive someone unless they downplay the pain they caused." They don't understand that the Cross was enough for that person's sin, too.

And there's unforgiveness in me toward my father because of the pain he caused my family when he showed up unexpectedly at my high school graduation.

And I can't forgive him now for being presumptuous and arrogant in expecting to come see my baby when it's born, because of all the presumptuous and arrogant things he has done or said in the past.

So it's just a mess all over. And I don't know what to do about it yet. The last thing in the world I want to do is to not do anything about it and then have him suddenly show up on my doorstep when Baby is born.

I just don't know what to do yet.

:/

-Stephanie

P.S. My husband is still amazing. :D A minute ago, after talking with him about all this, I told him how sorry I am he married into my mess. "You didn't do anything to deserve my drama," I said sadly.

And then I had to laugh, and so did he, as I remembered that he's always been a "rescuer" type and has more or less gone looking for girls with drama his whole life so he can rescue them. And then he married one with full knowledge and still full intent to do all he could to be an instrument of rescue to her. :D (He knows God ultimately does the rescuing.) He also says my drama truly pales in comparison to other girls he encountered, LOL.

So I just love my husband all the more right now. <3 <3 <3

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