This morning, I woke up with a head full of deep thoughts. I journaled for a bit and ended up writing, "Secure people are better at loving others because they aren't too busy loving themselves." I was trying to think about the people I feel most loved by, and realizing with surprise that I can better identify the people I don't feel most loved by, and they are actually some of the friends I see the most often. And I realized that I don't feel as loved by them because they are too busy trying to figure out how to love themselves. I don't say that in judgment against them, because I am the same way, but it just dawned on me in a new way that the people I see the most often (besides Stephen, of course) are the ones I feel least loved by. And I wondered to myself why in the world I tend to pursue friendships with these insecure people who are busy trying to love themselves, instead of pursuing friendship with the secure people in my life who could actually love me from a place of security in themselves and in God.

It could be because I don't want to be challenged to be more secure in God. I'd rather just stick with the status quo.

Or it could be because I don't want my weaknesses exposed; instead, I'll just make assisting them in their weaknesses the focus of our friendship, because that lowers my risk of exposure. It also makes me feel less insecure, but it's a false security, because it's based on comparison.

None of these things foster healthy friendships, obviously, or a healthy life in general.

Luckily, I can think of one friend who I see a lot, who has her insecurities, but somehow I am able to love her from a place of security. And it isn't a false security based on a shallow gladness that I don't have the same problems she does. It was that way in the beginning, to be honest, but it isn't anymore. Somehow we've gotten to the place where we've shifted into comfortable roles of helping each other, not just one helping the other.

It's nice to know that. :)

And lately I've been putting time into a friendship that makes me feel uncomfortable and like I'm risking being exposed. My old friend Liz and I have been chatting a lot, since we're due at roughly the same time (she with her second child, me with my first). I think it's been really good for us, just to get us talking regularly.

The thing that makes this friendship "different" than others is that Liz knows my weaknesses from WAAAYYY back when, and a lot of those weaknesses haven't changed at all, and after knowing me for so long back then, she tends to make snap judgments about what areas of insecurity I'm coming from--which can be very alarming, especially when she's right!!

But what makes the relationship different is that sometimes she is not right, because there are some insecurities I've come a long ways from, but she just simply isn't aware of it yet. Those times are scary, too, because when people make snap judgments on me in err, I tend to react pretty defensively. :P So I have to watch myself so I don't overreact.

But anyway, I feel like chatting about baby stuff is a good way to pave the road toward, hopefully, deeper conversations where we can get to know the new Elizabeth and the new Stephanie better. :)

I'm glad that, despite my waywardness toward unchallenging relationships, I seem to be making tiny steps forward lately.

-Stephanie

previous || next

Miss Something?

Social Anxiety with Guys - February 07, 2024

Education Expo with an ADHD Kid - February 03, 2024

Lovely Church Experience - October 22, 2023

Seek Out Community in Christ - August 29, 2023

Grieving Lost Friendships - May 08, 2023