I'm sure getting made a mess of this week. Wow. I haven't had a week like this in a while.

Today I found a performance track I didn't even remember at first. I kept looking at it going, "I have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of this song." Then it slowly dawned on me. I sang for my church's talent show, I believe my senior year. It was the only performance I ever did in front of my church that didn't end up with me in an explosion of tears.

Remembering that, I remembered the ones that did end up with me in an explosion of tears. I remember my family's utterly confused faces. I remember hearing, "Why are you crying? You did just fine!" Probably from my mom. I remember how strongly I was feeling and thinking, You just don't understand. You can never understand.

So that's making a mess of me right now--not remembering my performance of "Everywhere," but remembering all the other performances and their rather tragic results... Which kind of makes me laugh in sympathy for myself... Poor me.

My Bible study this week has also contributed to making a mess of me this week. We're doing a study called Wonderstruck, by Margaret Feinberg. This last week was the wonder of friendship, which addressed things like holding people at arm's length, and having difficult conversations--the two hugest things I've struggled with the most in my attempts at friendship. It brought to memory my Christmas fight with Sam. I wish I could say enough time has passed for that not to hurt so much anymore, but it wouldn't be true.

Anyway, what was really hard about Bible study this week was the actual group discussion itself. Have you ever felt radically different than the people around you? I often feel that way with my small group discussion group. They're all in their late 40s and 50s and all part of the same clique. They're nice ladies, but they have a hard time thinking outside of their own group. I hardly ever talk because I am a very different person than they are. Thursday night I did talk, though, and just had it reaffirmed how different I am.

We were discussing the first day's study, which was about holding people at arm's length, something I really struggle with, as I mentioned. As usual, I let the ladies talk so I could get a feel for where they're at instead of just jumping right in and assuming that they all have the same experience at me. To my shock, they all as one agreed that they don't really have a problem with holding people at arm's length. They might've even said they don't think most people do that.

"I know I do," said our study leader, Patrice, sounding almost as surprised at the others' conclusion as I was. She is also slightly different than the rest of the ladies and she is why I keep coming, more or less.

"I do," I spoke up.

The looks! Wow. There's one lady in there who everybody has a ton of respect for, Anne. She's extremely solid in her faith and always challenging others in theirs and making direct attempts to get to know people. I have a lot of respect for her, too, but it was her face that surprised me the most. It seemed like she was saying, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S interesting!" Like she's been trying to figure me out for a long time and a piece of the puzzle just fell into place for her. So I'm going to be finding myself a little on guard with her, LOL, because I know she's going to bring it up next time I see her. She does that. I have no problem talking to her more about it, I'm just not sure when she's going to hit me with it. :)

Anyway, Nancy was the other lady whose reaction left a big (and not so great) impression on me. "Because you're shy?" she offered as a possible explanation for me.

My face turned red hot and just kept getting hotter as I took upon myself to explain to her that, no, when I joined the church, I didn't want to have anything to do with anybody because I come from a different theological background than my church, and I felt like if the people ever found out, it would immediately become everybody's intent to "convert" me out of my old faith.

You know, like the assistant pastor did when I first told him.

(Nope. Not joking. Although I guess I never wrote about that in here.)

I didn't say ALL that to the women. They don't need to know about my old beef with Peter just yet. Maybe not ever. It's not an issue anymore. He made a misstep, but I've forgiven him, and learned that he isn't "evil," like I first thought. It sure as heck had lasting effects on my relationship to the church in general, though. Case in point, women's Bible study.

A-ny-way. I'm probably not making any sense at this point. The bottom line is, after all that conversation, I felt very alien in the face of all those women. I always feel a bit alien with them, but it's been a while since it became that clear to me. Feeling foreign in the one place I feel like I should be "normal" sure is a tough one for me. :P

Right, so moving on. This next week in the study is about forgiveness, which is another big huge thing I wrestle with and I KNOW that's going to make a mess of me, too. Sigh. It's just going to be a messy, messy week.

But in the meantime, I'll preoccupy myself with continuing to pack up stuff for our storage unit. Which I LOVE doing! I can't wait until that second bedroom is actually a bedroom. :) It's going to feel fantastic.

-Stephanie

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