No, that's not a misspelling of "crisis." It's the plural form. One crisis --> two crises. I have on my hands two crises. Both boy-oriented. Go figure.

Why can't I figure out how I feel about Nate anymore? Am I over him? Are there still feelings?

Yesterday on the phone he asked me this. That was a horrible, awkward place to be in. I have no idea. And I can't tell you why, either. I am at a total loss. And he goes and asks me that... So when I'm speechless, naturally he comes up with his own answers to the question he has asked ME. Granted, you can do that, to an extent... But he does it WAY too much. He jumps to conclusions. That's the phrase I was looking for!

Now, I'm not mad at him. But I wish he wouldn't put me in such awkward, awkward positions like that. He asks me questions that he has already decided the answer to. So there's no way I can answer them the right way!

I wonder if God wants to use this to tell me that I should be more frank and honest with people, and not look for the "right" things to say?

Oh, I wish I knew.

Anyway... So here I am in a crisis, trying to figure out how I feel about him, so I can give him a good answer when I talk to him again. ('Cause, believe me, he'll be wanting an answer! Things like this stay in his mind for DAYS, until he gets an answer he can take.)

If I were to be completely honest with myself... Well, if I weren't under the influence of Cherie Ketchum's music. :) Hmm.

::tries to think::

Okay. Forget it. God's blocking me from coming up with an answer, I'm sure.

See, I have asked Him to help me figure this out. I told Him to give me the wisdom to figure it out; I wouldn't go off and decide by myself, as I'm guilty of doing a lot of the time. Now I'm trying to decide things on my own again and He's putting a stop to it. That's okay.

Well, that's my first crisis, somewhat resolved, since God is answering me, "Wait."

My second crisis has to do with Andrew, whom I mentioned in my last entry, but I haven't told the story of yet. So, shortly: I have a crush on him... If you couldn't guess (from the last entry). :) So my roommate asked him to go on the Twirp (aka Twix--technically it's a Twirp, but I prefer to call it a Twix) with me next weekend, because she's absolutely mad. You just don't DO that!! Not to mention she also told him I like him. Anyway. Andrew, being the wonderful guy he is, said, "I'll have to check my schedule." Ohhhh brother. So I waited a few days and got the news that he was going to go after all. That sort of made me happy... I was glad he was going, but I still wish Sara hadn't asked him in the first place... And I got to eat with him at dinner once with all his guy friends, which was SO awesome! :D So I was starting to be a little less nervous, even a little excited. And then Friday was the WingDing with Elizabeth and all, and the next day (yesterday) Sara tells me, "Oh, by the way. You don't have a Twix date anymore."

What.

"Andrew backed out."

My world crumbled.

"Yeah! I'm not too happy with him!" Sara said, and I could tell she wasn't.

Me? I felt like I'd just been shot.

I was kind of numb for a while, then I slowly began to realize how much it hurt, and the first thing that came to my mind was--this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous to those of you who don't understand me--'He's getting the hurt puppy dog look. Without a doubt.' That is exactly what I intended to do.

There are ways of hurting guys deeper than yelling at them, storming off, or physically smacking them across the face.

He was getting the puppy dog eyes.

I sat there feeling the hurt beneath the shock, and finally I turned to my prayer journal, which I knew was the right thing to do.

In my prayer journal, I got over the hurt enough to truly forgive Andrew. But it still hurts... Forgiveness doesn't guarantee the disappearance of pain.

I haven't seen him since Friday when he left for the WingDing. I wonder when he plans to tell me I have no date for the Twix anymore.

I guess I can't go to the Twix at all. We were supposed to have the names of our dates by today, and you're not allowed to go alone--although I'd love to do that. I would have fun just tagging along and talking to everybody. But, it's probably true, I would eventually feel out of place, be the odd man (well, person) out.

So that's my second crisis, although it's not really too bad of a crisis. I just wish he hadn't done that.

I prayed, almost immediately after forgiving Andrew, that God would take this week and all my encounters with Andrew into His hands. I've known since then that God's gonna take care of all this. It's something I know inside; a peace--not a happiness, really. It's hard to be happy when you've been let down like this. But I'm at peace about it. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you out there... But that's okay. It makes sense to me.

So. My life update is complete. :) Later!

-Stephanie