My husband's aunt thinks I have PTSD.

It's an interesting idea. I've never considered it, because there's not been one traumatic event I can pinpoint in my life. But when I was talking with Stephen about his aunt's idea, he told me about his brother, who's a Marine. Tim went to Iraq. He never had to fire his gun, but he got PTSD from simply being on edge all the time, stressed, just waiting for something bad to happen.

Those were the words Stephen used Tim's experience, and he could have been describing my teen years at home.

Stephen's aunt, of course, recommended counseling. I told her I'd thought of it before (lots of times, actually). The two main things holding me back are 1) money, of course, and 2) the fact that it would probably be a very long-term commitment because I'd have to build up trust with the counselor and stop walling them out. And that's really hard.

"I guess there's a third reason," I said to her. "It's just that I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own. I know I'm a smart girl, and I made it through so many crappy days before I even knew about counseling, and then made it through more afterward, again without counseling. And on top of that, I'm a Christian who believes in a sovereign God that can do anything, and definitely doesn't need people's help!"

But I know, of course, that God sometimes decides to do things through other people. I've heard it's because we were created for relationship.

Anyway. Stephen's aunt is very persuasive and she's got me seriously considering counseling. I chatted with Steve about it briefly on the phone. It occurred to me while we talked that having to actually pay for counseling (all counseling I've received before was free--interns) would make me more willing to buckle down and get through the stuff I have to get through, because paying involves commitment. I'm not going to skip out on something I pay $90-$175 a session for.

But whether that's something we should do right now is a question. We have some financial freedom at the moment, as we're paying very little to live with Grandma, but we're trying to save up for a house with the extra cash flow. :/

Reminds me a bit of what people tell you about making the decision to have a kid: You're never ready for it; you'll never be able to afford it; there's never a perfect time. You just have to make the decision and trust God.

So anyway. I guess Steve and I will have to talk about it some more.

I'd much rather just try to do this myself, like I always have, but Stephen's aunt is right: if I do it alone, it'll take lots longer.

-Stephanie

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