Random thoughts for the day. I was listening to Air1 Radio today and they had a question going for people to call in and respond to. The question was, if you could erase the bad stuff that's happened to you from your life, would you?

Most of the call-ins said, "Absolutely not, those experiences make me who I am," blah blah blah.

I don't know if it makes me self-centered or faithless or arrogant or just plain broken, but for some things in my life, I'd say absolutely yes, I'd love it if those things had never happened to me.

I think the two primary things I was thinking of were 1) my relationship/crappy break-up with Nate, and 2) the 4-5 years of deep spiritual darkness I had to battle my way out of (with the help of God and Stephen and my church) during and after college.

Especially the spiritual darkness part. I would absolutely want that erased.

I know God has a reason for everything. I believe He let those things happen to me for a reason. But if it were up to me, I would definitely rewrite my life with those things changed.

Part of the problem is that I have yet to see the fruit of those awful experiences. At least the relationship with Nate. I see a tiny bit of fruit from the spiritual crap I went through, and that is that I was able to build my faith on scratch, starting with the Gospel as my foundation.

But it still. Really. Sucked. Going through it. I've never felt such tangible darkness in my life.

I think I might also erase the years of overwhelming guilt I suffered through for sexual temptation.

Although, when I think about it, I guess I needed that to know that I was also susceptible to sin. And even that sin in particular. I managed to remain a virgin until I was married, but it was purely because of the grace of God. And maybe I needed that part of it, too--to have something in my life I can credit only to the grace of God, and not to my own ability.

It was still an overwhelming load of guilt for several years. :P The only reason I don't feel that same guilt burden is because holy, married sex has redeemed it for me over the course of a few years.

Anyway... It was a very thought-provoking question and I think I am going to keep turning it around in my head for the rest of the day.

-Stephanie

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