I'm limiting my time on Facebook for a while. The newsfeed has been killing me lately. It either depresses me or stresses me out. So many things that make me angry that I want to respond to, but I keep my mouth shut because I don't think Facebook is the right platform for debates on controversial issues.

Anyway, I didn't say that much on Facebook. I only said that I'm limiting my time because the newsfeed depresses me and stresses me out.

Stephen's dad responded in a way that sort of annoyed me. "That's healthy" is all he said. But since that was it, with no further explanation, I decided to not read too much into it. Maybe he has my best interests at heart.

And then Stephen's aunt (Carolyn) replied under that. Ugh. It was a mean-sounding thing to say. But I know Carolyn well enough now that I could take it in stride.

And then Stephen's sister-in-law privately messaged me and said, "I think what Carolyn said was very rude." Which was really sweet of her and I appreciated it.

I decided to elaborate to Kaile on who I know Carolyn to be and why I can let her post go. I did that because Kaile is a lot like me, I think, but she doesn't know Carolyn as well as I do. And Jon knows her well, but Jon and she have a bit of a frosty relationship, and I think that does cloud his view of her sometimes.

So here's the deal. Carolyn said she thought the amount I post on Facebook is unhealthy. But I know Carolyn well enough to know, pretty certainly, that what she has a problem with is not with how much I post, but with WHAT I post. All the hard times. All the emotions. Facebook is my mini-diary and I like it that way.

However, Carolyn is the sort of person who believes in positive thinking. She is also the sort of person to completely disregard, disqualify, and otherwise ignore her emotions, and bulldoze them with logic instead.

So you see what a vast difference there is between us.

The way I said it to Kaile is, she believes in confronting life from the head down, instead of from the heart up.

Carolyn probably thinks that I dwell too much on negative things and that it's making me depressed. That's not true. It's true that I do dwell sometimes on negative things, but that is usually caused by the depression, not the other way around.

And it's true that when things are hard, it rocks me harder than most. My mom liked to call me overdramatic. My grandpa called me oversensitive. But the fact of the matter is, I'm just sensitive. Not oversensitive. Just more sensitive than most. My nerves are literally wired tighter. It's called being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and it affects 20% of the population.

Another thing I imagine Carolyn thinks may be at play is me trying to gain attention. But there is a difference between getting attention and getting support. Facebook is my support group.

And this is where there is a problem that I am aware of, but that Carolyn still wouldn't understand. I have problems making friends.

In Carolyn's mind, if you want to make friends, you just go out and do it! You snap your fingers and it happens. And it happens by your own effort--you have to do the work.

She is partially right. To make friends, you do have to work for it. I hate that. I hate it so. Freaking. Much. But it's not because I'm lazy. It's because I'm afraid.

"Stop being afraid!" she would say.

And that's what she doesn't understand. I say I'm afraid, and she thinks I'm afraid they won't like my hair or something stupid and superficial like that.

That's not what I am afraid of.

I am afraid that my very existence is all a mistake. I'm afraid that the very core of my being is something disgusting and repulsive and just plain wrong.

There's a theme in the Pixar movie "How to Train Your Dragon." Hiccup's father is unhappy with his son. He says a few times in the movie, "You just need to change all...this." And Hiccup replies, "But you just gestured to all of me!"

That's how I feel.

Anyway... So there's a huge discrepancy between how Carolyn deals with life and how Stephanie does. So I'm not going to ping Carolyn about it, because there isn't anything I could say to her that could change her mind. She'll have to be shown. God needs to do that work in her life and her heart and I can't force it. Nor do I want to! That would just be asking for more hurt.

So anyway. I did message Kaile and gave her a bit of my perspective on who Carolyn is and why I can't just stay angry at her. (Although she did make me angry!) I hope it helps Kaile and Jon, too.

That's all for now.

-Stephanie

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