Finally talked to Stephen about all this mom stuff I've been trying to work through. I cried a lot. (Imagine that.)

I guess it more or less comes down to a couple things. I think of Lauren, Catherine, and Elysse as super spiritual mega-Christian types. And reading about their love and joy for motherhood made me feel like less of a Christian, like something's wrong with my spiritual walk.

Stephen helped me understand that their love for motherhood isn't a spiritual thing, it's an experiential thing. He gave a great analogy, actually, that made me laugh in the middle of crying.

"It's like two people went skydiving. One person's parachute opened, no problem, and they had a great time and they loved it and went skydiving again and again. The other person's parachute didn't open and it was a horrible, terrifying experience."

"If the parachute is Christ's grace," I said, "My mom didn't even have a parachute. And she didn't jump out willingly, she got shoved out."

That's what made me laugh. It's so true. Mom pretty much got shoved unexpectedly and unwillingly into motherhood because she got pregnant accidentally, outside of wedlock. And that was never part of her plan, at least not in that point in time.

We also talked about what failure I am afraid of, exactly, in parenting. What would failure as a parent look like for me? That's what made me cry so much. Because basically my present-day family is what failure as a parent looks like to me. We are all so very broken and emotionally estranged from each other. The way I don't want to be near my sister. And I'm not even sure I want to be near my mom half the time. If Micah decided as an adult that he was better off without a relationship with me, and my future family looked just like my present family, that's what failure as a parent would look like.

So yeah. Hard, heavy conversation. Lots of tears. But I am feeling so much better. Well, better is a relative term (ha! by definition). I feel more at peace. I still grieve over the brokenness in my family. I probably always will. But grieving over it helps me find peace about it at the same time.

"I'm thankful I have the grace to know what a family is supposed to look like," I told Stephen last night, "even if that means acute awareness that my family is not a healthy family."

-Stephanie

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