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�who am I: I'm a small town girl, living in the big city, learning to trust God. I married a wonderful, patient man, Stephen, in October of 2008 and we had our first child, Micah, in June 2014. I've been keeping this diary since I was 16 years old, so it has seen a lot of life with me!

�likes: singing my soul out, writing my heart out, learning new things, falling in love, helping people, thinking about life, talking things through, dancing

�dislikes: not knowing where I'm going, fighting, losing touch with friends, making mistakes

�current reads:
tobehis
lobo21
standongrace
jondavid2010
fistofdoom
koorikaze

�old reads:
icofxcnika
iamhephzibah
eowyn86
araquen
onlygrace
howgoesit
twintale

My Bucket Lists
Dreams and Goals - 2004
Bucket List - 2019

The current mood of Seinahpet210 at www.imood.com

Rehoming Ziva
4:05 p.m. || July 31, 2021

Dear Diary,

This week, we had to rather suddenly rehome our dog, Ziva. None of us have been taking it well, but Micah was absolutely devastated. Every night for the last week at bedtime, his anxiety has ramped up and he has needed a lot of comfort and reassurance. And to be honest, I'm too exhausted (from not sleeping) and emotionally worn-out to do it. He and I are a bit codependent on each other and I feel terribly guilty about not being the one to comfort him, but I just. Can't. Right. Now. Even though I know he needs it.

My husband has been taking on the role, for which I'm very, very grateful. But even then, I wonder if it'll be enough, and I wonder if my husband will become codependent or get tired of it, and I wonder and I worry and I wonder and I worry, etc.

Today Micah saw a counselor for the first time. It went well. They focused mostly on anger, which he expressed the day we rehomed the dog, but since then there has been way more depression and anxiety than anger. They told me to reschedule a check-in appointment in 2 weeks, but I'm like...I definitely can't make it 2 more weeks picking up all my son's broken pieces when I still have a few of my own lying on the ground.

We're just all a mess.

And I'm not sure what to do or who to go to.

And it sucks. Hardcore.

We had to put down our kitty back in May, but she was old and very sick, and we got some really good closure there at the vet. But with Ziva, it was an unpredictable aggression issue 💔 and the rehoming happened sooner than we were prepared for, with not nearly enough closure. 😭

She seems to be doing well in her new home, so hopefully we will be getting our closure with her next weekend with a visit.

Several people have suggested I need some counseling myself, and to let myself grieve also. It's helping me see that they're right--I probably do need to grieve--not just losing her, but the fact that it was basically my idea to adopt her in the first place, and all the second-guessing I did after that, plus all the stress of her increasing anxiety that my husband didn't seem to see, and it was ALL I could see. I guess I've been dealing with this stress for the better part of a year.

My head knows the reasons, and they are solid, but seeing my son's reaction shattered my confidence. I guess I haven't been dealing properly with everything myself.

Tonight on my walk, I walked to Paige's house. They're gone until October, but I realized I needed to face them, even if it was just in my head. At the end of my walk, I stopped at the corner leading down to their place and cried and wrote Paige an apology in my head. They became our friends because of Ziva. And to have things end like this!

...

Now that I have cried and grieved... I think I can help Micah more. <3

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Miss Something?

Elizabeth's Dad - August 29, 2021

I Have COVID - August 28, 2021

Funny Factoids and Family Stories - August 24, 2021

Rehoming Ziva - July 31, 2021

Three Worlds - July 14, 2021