Dear Diary,

This week, we had to rather suddenly rehome our dog, Ziva. None of us have been taking it well, but Micah was absolutely devastated. Every night for the last week at bedtime, his anxiety has ramped up and he has needed a lot of comfort and reassurance. And to be honest, I'm too exhausted (from not sleeping) and emotionally worn-out to do it. He and I are a bit codependent on each other and I feel terribly guilty about not being the one to comfort him, but I just. Can't. Right. Now. Even though I know he needs it.

My husband has been taking on the role, for which I'm very, very grateful. But even then, I wonder if it'll be enough, and I wonder if my husband will become codependent or get tired of it, and I wonder and I worry and I wonder and I worry, etc.

Today Micah saw a counselor for the first time. It went well. They focused mostly on anger, which he expressed the day we rehomed the dog, but since then there has been way more depression and anxiety than anger. They told me to reschedule a check-in appointment in 2 weeks, but I'm like...I definitely can't make it 2 more weeks picking up all my son's broken pieces when I still have a few of my own lying on the ground.

We're just all a mess.

And I'm not sure what to do or who to go to.

And it sucks. Hardcore.

We had to put down our kitty back in May, but she was old and very sick, and we got some really good closure there at the vet. But with Ziva, it was an unpredictable aggression issue 💔 and the rehoming happened sooner than we were prepared for, with not nearly enough closure. 😭

She seems to be doing well in her new home, so hopefully we will be getting our closure with her next weekend with a visit.

Several people have suggested I need some counseling myself, and to let myself grieve also. It's helping me see that they're right--I probably do need to grieve--not just losing her, but the fact that it was basically my idea to adopt her in the first place, and all the second-guessing I did after that, plus all the stress of her increasing anxiety that my husband didn't seem to see, and it was ALL I could see. I guess I've been dealing with this stress for the better part of a year.

My head knows the reasons, and they are solid, but seeing my son's reaction shattered my confidence. I guess I haven't been dealing properly with everything myself.

Tonight on my walk, I walked to Paige's house. They're gone until October, but I realized I needed to face them, even if it was just in my head. At the end of my walk, I stopped at the corner leading down to their place and cried and wrote Paige an apology in my head. They became our friends because of Ziva. And to have things end like this!

...

Now that I have cried and grieved... I think I can help Micah more. <3

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