Wow, this is bad. I go to the computer when I'm lonely. It does take away the loneliness... Makes me forget for a little while.

I know I should try to step out of my comfort zone and try to MAKE friends in order to GAIN friends here. It's so hard to do, though...

Dear God, here I am again. (When did I start referring to you as God so much? What happened to the more personal names--Father, Jesus, Lord?) I am so lonely here. And I don't get an overwhelming desire to go home... It's not homesickness (though that comes in, too), it's straight loneliness. God, I just want some friends here! I want somebody I can call up any time of the day and gab with. Or just someone I can hang out with outside of classtime. Anyone, God! Why don't I have any friends here?

Oh, that was a silly question. I just addressed that. It's 'cause I haven't gone out and made any friends, like normal people do.

God, I wish I was outgoing and friendly. Why did you create me shy? Why did you want me to go through all this loneliness? How come--why?

Oh, Father... At least there's still You to come to. Thank You.

Why do I just let people go their own way once we get into Ford [dorm]? Why don't I ever follow them and keep talking, like a friendly person would? Why can't I be friendly? God, I want to be. What's holding me back? I know I'm afraid, in some way. I don't know how to overcome that.

Oh, Daddy... I just want some friends here. Everyone at home and on the [AOL message] boards is so far away. Even if they are praying for me, they're not HERE, they aren't an immediate source of comfort. God, I want some friends HERE. Please come and help me. Love, Stephanie

There is one girl who I am sort of becoming friends with. But she's not one of the girls I really want to be friends with. All the ones I really want to get to know, I'm too afraid to get close to. I don't know why... What an odd concept. Afraid to get close to them? I guess I'm afraid they won't accept me, or something.

Wow, is my problem ever cliche. For heaven's sake, don't common problems ever cease? If so many people have been through this before me (and I know many have), how come I have to go through it? Rrgh!! It's so frustrating... Stupid world. What a lousy place to live. I am totally feeling the "this world is not our home" idea... It's certainly not MINE.

(Selfish, I know. Sorry. Loneliness tends to get you that way. Pity parties and all that.)

Maybe this song will help me a little bit:

Un Lugar Celestial
Jaci Velasquez

Sometimes I realize
When I gaze in the skies,
This spinning world is not our home.
A place of mystery, a land of destiny
Is where I know one day I'll go.

I dream of beauty I have never seen.
I know the arms of heaven wait for me,
And yet I feel its sweetness here and now.
In this life on earth, I have found...

Un lugar celestial
Just a little bit of heaven
Sent from up above--

Okay, that song is definitely not helping. Isn't there anything??

I'm gonna go. I don't know where. Maybe I'll go do my French homework that's due tomorrow. Maybe I'll just roam the books. (I'm in the library.) Oh yeah... I was going to check out Ivanhoe. That's why I came here; I had to get on the Internet to find out the call number.

Okay. I've got some sort of purpose ahead of me. I'm going to go look for that book...

-Stephanie

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